The Abyss of Despair❣

The monster Fear grabbed by hand and led me to the edge of abyss of despair …wrapping its arms around my shoulder, whispering …”there is no hope” ….”Make it easy and just give up”…”the pain will be unbearable” … “there is no way around or through” …”You have always failed, ALWAYS” ….

A recent professional diagnosis of ADD (ADHD) encouraging me to fall to my knees, one more time …some close to me denying the diagnosis …saying that it was incorrect … I do not outwardly exhibit the symptoms that people typically think of as ADHD …I appear calm and peaceful on the outside … not hyper or fidgety …feeling alone because others in my life, do not understand what it means to have to struggle every day with the inability to stay focused and the myriad other mental challenges that ride the coattail of ADD …  “It’s like being a cat with 100 people with laser pointers.” ― Jamie Hynds

“They said I could pass as normal, that I was clever and no one would ever know. They lied. Not about passing. The lie was hidden beneath, in the desire for me to be the same as them. I am extraordinary. They should have helped me soar, be more of me, not less.” ― Anna Whateley

Anna Whateley

Trying to understand myself …I recently read that ADHD can Drastically shorten a patient’s life …”ADHD can reduce life expectancy by as much as 13 years, but its risk is reversible.” …and the darkness enveloped me …shrouding me with the coldness of hopelessness …

That’s all I could focus on … ‘Drastically shorten‘ … “and much higher in women as men” Here I am… enjoying the “best” years of my life, after finding ‘my knight with only moderately dented armor’ and I am being handed a notice of eviction from life sooner than I had planned on …fear saturated every nook and corner of my mind …then I took the keys back …

“As they have taught me, I believe that without asking, we are given all we need. We must have the wit and wisdom to recognize the strengths and tools at our command, and find the courage to do what must be done.”

Dean Koontz, Life Expectancy

The second part of the quote reads, “but its risk is reversible.”… and reading further, “mainly due to accidents” …due to our distractedness and impulsive thinking …I raise my hand 😱…falling after a shower with a nerve damage from a deep shin cut, because I wasn’t paying attention,my mind far away on thoughts of a possible photographic setup …

Although my primary concern is with the health of being at optimum weight for longevity …Hallelujah!!! I understand now, why even though I always have known what I need to do to lose weight and become healthier …I have never been able stick with a program long to lose weight and then keep it off …or lose some weight and then gain it back when life became stressful …

Not only are people with ADHD wired for obesity, but also struggle with the routines that support health …😫ADHD is an executive function deficit disorder …which in laymen means that we lack (in various degrees) the mental abilities that people need to actively pursue goals …our self-regulation …our self-awareness, self-restraint, the ability to hold things in our minds (how we picture things mentally), our internal monologues, emotional self-regulation, and self-motivation, and our planning and problem solving abilities .

My brain craves dopamine (as most ADD brains do) …the neurotransmitter that impacts mood …although exercise increases dopamine …so does the bread, chips, and sugar …which is so much handier and easier to get quickly …

Symptoms like impulsivity make us more prone to give in to cravings for high-fat, high-sugar foods. And the dopamine rush we get from carbohydrates and sweets becomes addictive; it feels as if our brain needs that grilled cheese sandwich.

By ADDitude EditorsJohn Fleming, Ph.D.Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D.

This week, it was heart wrenching to hear again that the one person that I rely on for support had given up on my losing the weight and being healthy 💔…what is more devastating is the knowledge that there is no way to explain sufficently the difficulty that I deal with on a daily …a minute by minute struggle …when I am actively doing my absolute best to do what I know is supportive of weight loss …even more of a struggle, because I am also in an incredible stressful situation currently …

I had no idea, how much the ADHD worked against me with this goal of becoming healthier …

ADHD creates problems with self-regulation — of attention, short-term memory, and emotion—that extend to food intake. Trouble with impulse control keeps people with ADHD from thinking, “I won’t eat that because it’s not healthy, and I will regret it later.” Instead, we grab an unhealthy snack without considering if it’s a good idea or not.

The ADHD brain has low levels of two neurotransmitters: dopamine (responsible for feelings of reward) and GABA (responsible for inhibition). We crave sugar to stimulate dopamine production. This, paired with a lack of inhibitions, can set the stage for weight gain.

Still, possible …just more challenging …’Diets’ are not going to work …but that’s the case for even the 90% +/- of the world’s “neurotypical” … So where do I go from here???????????

It’s going to be one beautifully, blessed day …or minute, or second at a time …even a nanosecond, if necessary … because I have not come through burning hell to lie down now …I am determined to live … I will fight for that privilege with every breath that I have … if a few more scars are incurred…I am willing to pay that price …my scars are my beauty

Always sending love, happiness, and magic for your day … for those who are struggling …please hold on and find beauty in the darkness …it is there, if you search …You are never alone …I promise❤

“My thoughts are like butterflies. They are beautiful, but they fly away.”
― Anonymous

Author: Renée E.

Storytelling Photographer and Fine Art Conceptional Artist...Creating magic from the ordinary

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