Not My Monkey…Not My Circus

I almost laughed out loud when my therapist spoke those words aloud…I had been upset because I had been trying to control something/someone that I had no control over…being an Empath has always muddied the waters by feeling the emotions of others …always devoting my precious energy to trying to thinking, ruminating over and over …trying to control situations that I had no business trying to manage…partly to make everyone happy and in part, trying to control out of fear …an old childhood trauma reaction

“Not my circus” is code: you are not the ringmaster here. You can watch the show, and certainly decide whether you stay in that tent, but you cannot control what happens there. Learning which circus is yours can diminish your stress remarkably. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/depression-management-techniques/201412/not-my-circus-not-my-monkeys

Just love that passage…Backing off and relaxing the grip on the need to control everything and everybody within my sphere of influence feels like taking gulping in a huge breath of air after I’ve been holding my breath for eons…or what feels like eons

It’s never to late to learn better ways to navigate life…even if I was told that it’s “a little late to be learning” how to travel this plain of existence in a slightly healthier manner …or in my case, I just want my life journey to be happier and more filled with joy with the time that I have available …much better way to be available to give love to those who need it than from a depressed and sad place …

The recent path has been passing rather rapidly …the time feels long when I am in the work but the last few weeks …a down hill runaway train feels like a more apt description …just raise my hands and scream …I heard you should do that on a roller coaster to release the fear😂

I realize that there is still a decent amount of work to do to step off the brakes of life …I’m still ok with that …progress is progress and any amount is going in the right direction …so on I go


“Go back?” he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!” So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.”

 J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

As I continue to work on becoming a more balanced empath and controlling my own circus of magical unicorns, dragons and friendly lions …not worrying about what I cannot control and shifting to what joyful life I can create …there is still the view of the mountain of losing weight in my sight…

I took a break for a few months to find some balance and work at removing the rocks and boulders that kept tripping me up …I’m ready to try again …a firm believer that when you’re ready the teacher comes or the path is revealed …this morning was an “aha” moment …

There are hundreds…thousands of ways that the diet industry and every “Tom, Dick and Harry” suggest is the best way to lose weight and be healthy …the scientific community changes it’s opinion right and left also …and I’ve tried almost every single one of them …ashamed of the money and energy seemingly wasted on the endeavor …past is past

Anyway…back to this morning …talking to my friend that has been struggling right along beside me …she told me about her sister that had lost over 100 pounds in less than a year …and about the same age bracket …a light blinked on…

I had been reading an Instagram account of a younger woman who had followed the same basic principles …but I was skeptical that it would work for a post menaposual woman …those pesky hormones and all that …but here was a perfect example that the simplest solution might be the answer …

Both of these women did the same basic things … 1) Each day when they reached their calorie allotment, they quit eating. No food restrictions or special types of food. 2) Exercise. One 30 minutes of treadmill walking and the other an hour of fast walking. No special equipment. Just moving. 3) Tracking weight…one recorded their weight daily and the other weighed once a week.

So that is the plan to start climbing again …I’m rather excited to see what I can do…70 days till home USA

“Wouldn’t it be powerful if you fell in love with yourself so deeply that you would do just about anything if you knew it would make you happy? This is precisely how much life loves you and wants you to nurture yourself. ~Alan Cohen

Sending the gift of love and laughter…a peaceful heart filled with joy and sprinkled with the magic of a life❣

Burning to Emerge…

When I started writing about my “climb up the mountain” of weight loss…there was nowhere in my wildest and crazy thought processes that I could envision where it would take me on my soul’s journey…

 “Don’t hoard the past. Don’t cherish anything. Burn it. The artist is the phoenix who burns to emerge.” – Janet Fitch.

This segment of the path is not completed…yet, I have come further than I would have imagined in a short about of time…

Tears have fallen like a molten lead flame…rising from a broken heart…sliding from beneath my eyelids…the soul rendering grief as I whimpered…sobbed convulsively…moaned…and cried seemingly endless tears…the agony of grieving hurts like hell as the saltwater of tears burns through the wounds… burning past chapters of my life…some I have saved and hold tight within my memories…most I am burning and letting go…“Even a spineless arthropod sheds what’s no longer useful and leaves it behind them. Are you not greater than they?” ― Jason Versey

 “Darling, you’re not falling apart. You’re getting rid of the pieces that no longer serve your purpose, this is a surgery of the spirit, and it can be painful as hell.”

Kalen Dion.

Excess weight has been a survival mechanism that I needed…and I find myself still “eating” as a means of grounding myself when the world “feels” overwhelming…why?

Being an empath is difficult and has often felt like a curse, more than a blessing…how do I explain what an empath is…it has become a more commonly accepted way of being…so much that neuroscientists and psychologists now accept and use the term…

“The term ‘Empath’ has become popular in recent years, often used to describe someone with a higher-than-normal degree of empathy. Empaths absorb others’ energy to the point where they feel like an ‘emotional sponge’. They do not have the filters most people do, and they seem to feel other people’s stress and feelings in their own bodies”https://eggshelltherapy.com/empath/

Probably brought on due to the trauma of my childhood wounding and “growing-up” years…it became a survival mechanism that I needed to have to tune in to how my narcissistic parent (which is also caused by his own childhood wound) was feeling so I could do what I needed to be “safe”… Being empathic makes it easier to notice other people’s emotions, thoughts, and feelings

I didn’t understand what was happening and as life progressed and I continued to draw narcissistic people into my life…the emotional load became too much…I always felt overwhelmed and not grounded in my own body….the food that I have craved…are heavier vibrationally dense…foods and drinks that are processed and lost all of their natural energy…alcohol, caffeine, dairy products, GMO foods like corn or soy, soft drinks, beverages with added sugar, wheat and products containing gluten, unhealthy fats and oils…the added weight adding an additional benefit …serving also as an added blanket of protection…both physically and emotionally…


“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a ‘hot mess’ or having ‘too many issues’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”
― Anthon St. Maarten

So, what’s next on this journey…definitely continued healing…releasing the outdated offensive energy blocks (the pain and hurt) that I carried for years…and filling those empty spaces with more love…learning how to serve as an empath without losing my own identity…it is a process that I must be patient with and love myself through…

I had my first meeting with a psychologist last week to help guide me in this continuing expedition up the mountain…the first meeting was more about mapping out the journey of my life up until now …I was blessed to connect to the right one for me…her suggested reading was The Source written by a South African Tara Swart…“a neuroscientist and MIT lecturer that shows how science supports the Law of Attraction as a tool for discovering the authentic self”…

How synchronicitous is that…it is a rather exciting process for me…like the cage doors are opening and I can finally be free…do you have any idea of what even the thought of freedom means for the Aquarian freedom loving person🤣…like air…necessary

I haven’t lost any weight yet …but it really is ok…I will as I learn new skills to cope…and I know that my optimum weight is about 130…I have so many exciting things to look forward to…and losing the weight is just a fraction of the blessings that I am in anticipation of…

I choose to share the journey to be brave and bold …to view my scars is to know you are not alone …much love, joy, and magic for your day❣

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

 Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

There is a new story that will be written from the ashes of the old…

The Fork in The Road For the Empaths

Dear Empathic Soul

It is terribly challenging

to live with little or no filter;

To hear every drop of tears from near and far away;

To see human and non-human expressions of sorrow;

To every day have the world’s pain piercing through you;

To sensing the lies and hypocrisies when others don’t;

To feel trapped in your heightened sensitivity and perception.

At some point, you reached a fork in the road

where you had to decide:

Either to stay here with us, in this imperfect world, or you float up, dissociate, and leave.

I bet you have tried them all:

The spiritual bypassing, the closing down, the tuning out, the numbing using addictions, or dulling through drugs.

The desert offered transient tranquillity, but eventually led you down a path of emptiness, deep aloneness, meaninglessness and eventually,

despair.

Boredom is a result of fear—

It was all too edgy to sit with, so you left.

As you withdraw from the heartache, you also leave behind your hope and love.

At some point, you will reach another fork in the road

where you have to decide:

To stay, or to leave.

A yes or a no to the marriage with life.

The key to moving forward is ‘commitment’;

You either commit to being a part of humanity, or you divorce yourself from it all.

You might have thought that you were too weak, too porous, too soft

for such a commitment.

Yet something magical happens when you say ‘I do.’

The words clear your path, the intention gives you strengths.

How does this work?

By committing to staying with the world, you must also live with other people’s limitations and dysfunctions.

Then, you come face to face with your shadows and your own dysfunctional parts.

Your heart softens, and you learn the art of unconditional love and acceptance of yourself and others.

By committing to cohabiting a space with others, you deal with the daily irritants, inconvenience, and transgressions.

In doing so, you come to embrace life for what it is, rather than constantly trying to change it to the way you want it.

Eventually, you become strong.

With all the terrors comes glory.

As your commitment to the world ripens, it rewards you with richness, joy and strength.

So you were born an empath.

Where do you go from here?

Do you rise to the occasion, yield to the path that you were given,

let it shape you, and allow Life to use you as a vessel,

Or do you hide, shrink, and leave?

Ultimately, you root to rise

not because it is moral, or even particularly honourable,

But because it is the only way to go.

https://eggshelltherapy.com/empath

135 Days…

Back home from a cold and rainy forest holiday in Hogsback (strange name with unknown origin)…supposedly the place that inspired JRR Tolkien… nestled in the Amatola Mountain range and housing the oldest forest in South Africa…

With no wi-fi or internet…you can lose yourself in the pure magic…the earthy smells and fragrances of the natural world triggering old memories, and creating new ones…the heavy, heady smell of damp forest…

It sits on your shoulder and seeps into your senses… excited to see the colors and smell of …I am missing the crisp air and the vibrate reds, and oranges so beautifully mixed with muted shades of yellow and brown…such a kaleidoscope of color…my heart sang…and I still reel with the beauty that is just too exquisite to be able to find the right words…

“Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go.” ~Unknown

An apt quote for the mission that I am on to let go of the unhealthy part of myself…physically and mentally…

A celebration before we left…for Mr. P’s birthday at a restaurant called Natti’s Thai Kitchen

Why can I never remember the effects of food and drink that are so detrimental to me…in the suspended moments of enjoyment with great friends and wonderful food…there was definitely too much alcohol imbibed by me…

I don’t normally drink alcohol…but it difficult for me in a social situation to abstain totally…normally one glass is sufficient…but that night everyone brought alcohol…gin and several bottles of wine…after one…it was too easy to allow my glass to keep being filled…

A fact of life…our bodies weaken with age…and I am working harder at trying to find a happy and healthy balance…drinking more than an occasional glass of wine is not on the list any more…but I get caught up in the frivolity and joy…I wasn’t prepared for the situation…

With being highly sensitive…the next day I reaped the effects…hormonal imbalance…depression is the worst…teary eyed…extra sensitive to every word that was spoken to me…morose and definitely not motivated to do anything…

At least I realized what was happening…and there is not much that I can do, except wait it out…but it always feels like a wasted day…miserable…you would think it would be a huge red flag…memory is so not reliable sometimes…

Difficult to eat correctly and track…motivate myself to exercise…all the routines that provide optimum living for me…Didn’t really have time to dwell on it much…getting ready to leave for Hogsback…such a needed break…

I ground in Nature…it is the most healing place that I can be…and the forest is probably the number 1 place that I love to just get lost in…wrapped in the soothing arms of Mother Earth…Stepping into a forest is like walking through a gate…I can release all the fuss and stress behind…to be greeted with peace and fragrant nature.

I didn’t track and was worried that I would gain weight…but the 80/20 rule applied…stress is outlawed during breaks from “real” life…we walked… hiked…over 10,000 steps per day…up and down…carrying photographic equipment…

Didn’t learn my lesson…Gin Tasting for me…

Don’t you just love the hat🤣

Was it worth it…I came back with a 2 lb. loss…so in that respect…it did not hurt my progress…but I don’t enjoy the punishment that ensues… my feelings of peace and happiness…

I made a choice…I don’t think I’ll be a teetotaler… but limiting myself to ONE drink is doable…there were other choices that hung on the coattails of that one…choosing to give up processed wheat and sugar…for a couple of weeks to confirm if my sensitivities are affected… there are a few studies that show that refined sugar and wheat have a drug-effect on the brain…

It worked when I lost the initial fifty pounds…but I didn’t eat fruit…because even natural sugars can sometimes cause my insulin to go wonky and I get hungry and hangry…and there goes the program…

Just one day at a time…for me it is difficult right now…carbs are my absolute fav…and I really resist the thought that it is imperative for me to be healthy…”If you resist giving up certain foods it is likely you’re addicted or intolerant to them”…and I cringe…clench my jaws…become very irritated at the thought…hmmm

I’m on my third day…just taking one day at a time…I’ll let you know how it goes…

Finally…three years later…wild baboons running wild in town
Rain Soaked…

Have a Magical Day warmed with Love❣

The Curse of the Sensitive…

“It’s okay to be sensitive that’s what happens when you have magic in your heart.”

Unknown

Have you felt that you do not fit in this cruel and ugly world…a misfit…a weirdo…being Highly Sensitive HSP is both a blessing and a curse…feeling intensely every nuance of the world…the volume turned up…intense and louder…

Hiding from the world is often so much easier…

It is this sensitivity, perception, sincerity, awareness, affection, and gentle grace that make me who I am…yet it is has been at a cost that I am no longer willing to pay…

I have been searching for an answer to losing the extra weight that I am currently carrying and if you have read my blog recently…I have not been successful with the alleviation of any of the weight…I have tried everything…as I have since gaining it…but to no avail…

“Highly sensitive beings suffer more but they also love harder, dream wider, and experience deeper horizons and bliss. When you’re sensitive, you’re alive in every sense of the word in this wildly beautiful world. Sensitivity is your strength. Keep soaking in the light, and spreading it to others.” – Victoria Erickson

So back to the drawing board…I have said it before, and I will say it again…there is always an answer…I tweaked by back a couple of weeks ago taking photographs on the ground…twisting to get just the right angle…flat out until I could see the physiotherapist…a lot of time to listen to audios and research…

I wasn’t too hep on writing about it until I’ve tried a few more weeks…possibly, I was led to an answer that might work for me… Being sensitive may preclude me from the same solution that may work for other people…at least everything that I tried in the past failed me after a week or two of pure Willpower wore off…

When did I gain weight…and why…going back to the beginning to find the root cause…maybe dig that weed out where it began…

Keep Looking For Answers

I gained extra fluff when I needed to feel safe…definitely doesn’t make logical sense…but there are blocks to why it is feels safer to keep the extra weight…it was and is padding from all the painful intensity of life…

If you are an HSP you will understand…often seen as quirky…being an HSP isn’t a disorder or a condition, but rather a personality trait that’s also known as sensory-processing sensitivity (SPS)…being ultra-sensitive to any and all sensory input, people, and the environment…often intuitive and easily overstimulated…

It is not only the extra padding that protects me…but the types of food that dim the noise of life too…which explains the emotional eating…refined carbs and sugary foods…the simple carbs trigger the pleasure centres of the brain by releasing dopamine…and for me it seems to be more that they also dampen the intensity of emotions and feelings that bombard me…

Some research has shown that some people crave carbs for the serotonin-boosting pharmacologic effect …tryptophan is the precursor to serotonin, eating carbohydrates will presumably make one more serene, sleepier, and more sated than someone whose brain is starving for serotonin…that’s what some anti-depressants are designed to do…increase seratonin…

Via hormonal (insulin) and albumin (a basic carrier protein in the blood) effects, ingestion of carbohydrate leads to the preferential shuttling of the rare dietary amino acid, tryptophan, into the brain.  Tryptophan is what we make serotonin from. The best way to understand this phenomenon is to think of a bunch of guys in red, blue, purple, and green shirts all fighting to get onto an elevator. The guys in green are the happy ones who will help us make serotonin. By eating carbohydrate, we effectively unleash bouncers on the red, blue, and purple guys, leaving the green guys free to go to the front of the line, enter the elevator, and go up to the brain”… https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201203/do-carbs-keep-you-sane

Not everyone will agree with me…remember that everybody is different…I noticed it recently (again)when I had the flu and couldn’t eat anything…my sensitivity increased exponentially…

So, the normal “willpower” method will not work long-term for me…what can I do to release the “padding” and find ways to protect myself that are healthier…ways that will support myself and be responsible for my own well-being…

In my searching…I stumbled across an energy psychology method that is known as Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or simply tapping…”similar to acupuncture, EFT focuses on the meridian points — or energy hot spots — to restore balance to your body’s energy. It’s believed that restoring this energy balance can relieve symptoms a negative experience or emotion may have caused.” https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping

I tried it…and I absolutely love it…it is very calming and over time…supposedly helps build immunity over stress…but time will tell…committed to continuing a daily routine…you actually focus on the negative emotion at hand…addressing the root cause…and by tapping sending a calming signal to the brain…helping to calm oneself…

But I noticed even more was that the scripts always start in loving and accepting yourself where you are at in the moment…I am finding that self-love and acceptance are a beginning… I have “hated” myself …my body for being this way…how many of us respond well to being disliked and told that we are awful human beings…

The tapping made me feel calmer…but the self-love felt like a thick warm blanket on a cold damp evening…loving and honoring myself…even thanking my body for doing what I had asked…to protect me…to keep me safe from people…this bulletproof vest…

I will continue the experiment of finding healthier ways to protect myself…and even though I love myself now…as I am…it will not keep me from finding healthier ways to cope and sooth the anxiety…and I am worthy of more love…and more (still working on that)…

The beauty of hope…the magic in the everyday…

‘And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.’

Billy and The Minpins

Much love, laughter for your day…and watch for the magic🦄…

“Woo-Woo” or Just One “Woo”…

Vibrational Frequency of Food…

Thought I would stir the pot…so to speak with the spiritual aspect of the foods that we eat…a little whoo-whoo for some…but relevant for me and at the very least…thought-provoking🤔

…I am mulling it over too after I listened to Alan Carr’s book…he had made comments about why humans are not because I am sensitive energetically…I had become aware of the concept…but really wasn’t ready to embrace it…and honestly…I am not there 100% yet…it’s not that I don’t believe it…just not ready to become a full vegan…but I have started to make some changes and I do feel happier and healthier…repeatable small changes are more manageable for me…therefore, often long lasting…”not as much will power required”

“True life is lived when tiny changes occur.” ~Leo Tolstoy

I know that I used food to “stuff” my emotions…more specifically, it was about “not” feeling…not feeling angry…not feeling depressed…not feeling lonely…and the foods that I used were the lower vibrational foods…it stopped me from feeling as much angst…I have experienced the opposite also…when I eat “healthier” I am happier and definitely more energetic…

Back it back up…

How does the food we eat have vibrational energy?

Even Einstein once said, “Everything in life is vibration.” …Followed by Nikola Tesla who said,” If you want the secrets of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency, and vibration.” …just food for thought (pun indended😂)

I could go on for hours about the scientific data…quantum physics and now even quantum biology is a real field that is studied in universities…recently science is beginning to take the woo-woo down to at least one woo…and I love that fact the science is now beginning to be able to confirm what ancient cultures around the world…the shamans, mystics, and healers have known and understood for thousands of years…

For those that want a less mystical explanation…”Any kind of food that you consume in its pure, raw form—the way it exists naturally—contains energy from the sun, and that energy causes it to vibrate at a high frequency that benefits both your physical and spiritual health.” https://www.learnreligions.com/eat-foods-that-raise-energy-vibration

Just stop and think about how you feel happier or sadder with each of the items on the list below…even if the thought of vibrational energy doesn’t “vibe” 😄with you…

Other Ways to Raise Your Vibration (How Good You Feel)

Very curious…about how you think about the food you eat…do you believe that the foods we eat have a vibrational energy?

Much prayers for peace in our world …peace, love, joy for your day…throwing in just magic to make your eyes sparkle…❣

The Monsters Arise…

I never really felt the depth of loneliness before this month…I realize how separated I am from “normal “social interaction…and all the friends that I had to support me in the US…

It was a challenging time…during this month…we lost a woman that helped me clean…we didn’t really lose her…but she cannot work with the effects of the antivirals that she must take to stay alive…she has HIV…a mother with children…whose boyfriend died less than 6 months ago…how can I complain about anything… such as working hard …I have no such gauntlet to try and navigate daily…I would find her crying with no words to help her grief and pain…

It is excruciating as an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) living in South Africa…the poverty and hardship of the people in this land is everywhere…it is seen on every street corner…there is no hiding or turning a blind eye from it…

We do what we can…but there is no salvation and for most…there is no hope…no hope of a way out…no hope of redemption…

South Africa has the highest level of HIV in the world…which also contributes to the high rate of TB here…“In the 2019 Global TB report, the HIV co-infection rate among notified TB cases in South Africa was 59%, which highlights the continued importance of HIV to the TB epidemic.”…

I try to keep my perspective and live with gratitude for my many blessings…truthfully, it does not always alleviate my own pain that sometimes still feels overwhelming…

I knew that as I lost weight the trapped emotions would rise to the surface and must be dealt with…the angry hurt energy would arise and need to be released…and the tap opened this past week when I was at my lowest in mental and physical energy…and the world conspired to assist me in opening my eyes to what I need to let go of…

and it continues…on a daily basis right now…just as I try and stand back up from one hit…another missile hits my heart…my soul…and knocks me back down…and I used food the last few days to salve the wounds…more like soft blanket to cocoon myself in… carbohydrates are wonderful for releasing serotonin and dopamine to make you feel better for a moment… fat is such a wonderful insulator…

…this is not where I want to be…I knew that the faucet of emotions would be released…that this would be part of the process…but it would be wonderful to feel someone really understood…the fear…fear is such a dark, enveloping cloud that consumes even the will to live…

I want to be free…free from the shackles of the past…to be free to feel joy again…there was a time not too long ago when I felt loving…I had worked my way to a level of forgiveness and freedom that was full of peace…but now I must transverse this underground cavern…a sewer of black, smelly, and heavy cloying smells… (the trail up the mountain has gone underground)…

Living life…I know that if I continue forward that I WILL come through…I have never been able to get through this before…the tumultuous darkness…the “black night of the soul”…the demons of fear that tear at my soul…the pain that wracks every fiber in my being until I feel like I will pass out because I can’t bear it…

The only way through this murky, reeking cesspool of hideous and repugnant feelings is to feel every tendril of cold pain …look at each horrendous, ugly monster in the eye…acknowledge their existence… then watch as it dissolves into the mist…it may be a long journey…maybe not…I have no idea…but I am ready to slay the demons that have sucked the energy and joy from my life…

This is not the happiest of writings…but it is my “truth”…just in case…I’m not alone in fighting the monsters that have torn at your soul…

Lots of love, laughter and magic for your day…❣

“You cannot defeat darkness by running from it, nor can you conquer your inner demons by hiding them from the world. In order to defeat the darkness, you must bring it into the light.”

Seth Adam Smith, Rip Van Winkle and the Pumpkin Lantern

GOOD NEWS!!!! I went to the nutritionist and had lost the kilogram per week that was what was determined as appropriate for me…and all “fat”…no muscle at all…this was during a period that we had family stay with us…with get-together’s and parties…pat myself on the back🥇…no alcohol even…

Removing the Amour

Every day was a battle…covering myself from head to toe…

Medium weight armor is best for the movements of the limbs, but I never like to do anything half-heartedly…so I chose the heavier armor to protect my vital organs…my heart being the most vulnerable…

Every day was a battle…I slowly covered myself from head to toe…a defense after traumatic past events…insulating from unwanted attention…food soothing guilt, shame, as anesthesia, as self-punishment, soothing medicine, comfort, protection, and a way to stuff rage that was not safe to express…

The “double whammy” being that an HSP …I was unknowingly and unconsciously absorbing not only my own emotional pain but the mental energy, emotional energy, physical pain and sensations in other people’s bodies, environmental energy, and world collective energy …

Depression, anxiety, anger, confusion, and pain each creating a piece of armor…and it is heavy…

I am a survivor…no longer a victim…in a safe place…I removed almost fifty pieces/pounds…and then I just stopped and couldn’t climb any further up this mountain…I just sat down and no matter what I did or tried I did not find my momentum…whether it was a dietician or weight loss programs…there is still heavy baggage that must be released to be free…

Still working on the causes…whether it’s unmeet emotional needs from my childhood…fear of change or any other emotional issue…but I must start where I am at…and I started the climb again one foot in front of the other…one day at a time…sometimes it is a minute at a time…or an hour at a time…looking forward…focusing on the habits and processes that I know work for me…since on the fifth of this month…I released/let go 4.5 pounds more of heaviness…

“On your darkest days do not try to see the end of the tunnel by looking far ahead. Focus only on where you are right now. Then carefully take one step at a time, by placing just one foot in front of the other. Before you know it, you will turn that corner.”
― Anthon St. Maarten

Leather Armor Images, Stock Photos & Vectors | Shutterstock

Removing the armor…one piece at a time

Removing the armor means releasing the trapped dark and dense lower emotional energy of the past…balancing in my body, as well as my soul and spirit…to release and be filled with love, joy, and peace…

It is the starting that always seems the most difficult…but then there is the continuing…and the finishing too…that’s why laser focus on the next step in front of you is a critical component in anything…for me, it is my saving grace at the moment…

I have been working on this blog for three days and keep getting stuck

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

The habits that I have been creating are 1) Logging everything that goes in the mouth. 2) reporting daily to my friend MP, who is my police officer. 3) Walking and Cardio 5,000 min – 10,000. 4) No white stuff ….and

5) No alcohol

you got to be kidding me

…now don’t get the idea that I drink a lot…but (1) glass of wine before dinner to sit and talk/relax with Mr. P was our sweet routine…and now I felt really left out…when Mr. P’s friend was here, they would enjoy their evening “tot” of whiskey…not a fun way to start…but I was determined…

There is always a solution…always…it might be difficult to find…but keep on searching…A little sparkling water, a little diet sprite, a smidgeon of grapefruit juice and a lemon slice in a nice glass…problem solved

Unfortunately…being an HSP…(a sensitive) includes what I eat and drink…and with these simple (and sometimes not so simple changes) my Resting Heart Rate dropped 10 points…

This is what loving myself looks like…which is another topic for a blog post…I don’t have a great amount of experience with accepting myself…and loving who I am was an impossibility…but it is said you’re never too old to learn…

Loving was only something that was allocated for someone else…walking the extra mile…giving the coat off your back…self-care and self-love was a non-entity in my life…a friend of mine once asked me, “Don’t you think you deserve better?”…should have been a clue…

Quote by Charlie Chaplin…

“As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it “RESPECT”.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it “MATURITY”.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it “SELF-CONFIDENCE”.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it “SIMPLICITY”.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is “LOVE OF ONESELF”.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is “MODESTY”.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it “FULFILLMENT”.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection “WISDOM OF THE HEART”.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know “THAT IS LIFE”!”

Till next time…may your life be filled with much love, laughter and magic…❣

Going Back Down…

The most wonderful day…November 28, 2021…it was a day that was enchanting and magical…everything I always dreamed of…my own personal King Arthur chose me as his Queen💓…

I left my base camp on journey to my personal Mt. Everest…not only did I leave the base camp…but got on a plane and left the continent…

There was the most fabulous pre-wedding family celebration with the love, incredible food and all the liquid happiness that I could imbibe…should I mention the lemon cheesecake and chocolate mousse cake…the slippery slope…the rabbit hole…I didn’t even need to walk down…just slide all the way downhill in one quick “swoosh”…

Family Braii Celebration

I would not have changed one second of the next few days…most people it would have just been a delightful evening…as an HSP it was overstimulating and overwhelming…alcohol and food always helps the sensory overload…which is why I am here facing this mountain in the first place …all the time I can remember I have coped with overstimulation and high sensitivity…food as the main addictive substance that I have used for soothing and self-protection…but not the only tranquilizing I have used in the past…plenty of unhealthy methods and behaviors to salve the “uncomfortableness” of life…

  • When I am overwhelmed by emotions (whether mine or others)
    • I am in emotional pain and feel frustrated, anxious, or depressed
    • My feelings are hurt
    • I feel uncomfortable in my own skin
    • I feel emotionally unsafe
    • I feel criticized, blamed, or rejected
    • I am isolating and need confidence
    • I am tired and need an energy boost
    • I want to escape and shut out the world

Addictions are a high price to pay for dealing with sensory overload and I have done so much better in my current place of safety, peace, and calm…as Empaths and HSP’s we live in this constant state of vulnerability and often are at the mercy of the daily circumstances of life…in the constant barrage of stimuli we are unable to find the peace and quiet that is necessary for our lives…

Without the tools to navigate the bombardment…we often succumb to the maladaptive coping mechanisms of the “pleasure fix” (the slightly nicer sounding word for addiction) of our choice…sugar √, caffeine√, nicotine, or a behavior like overeating√, shopping√, gambling, watching TV for hours √, internet surfing√ or video gaming, risky behavior, checking out our phones constantly√, exercise addiction, and social media addiction…until we slide down that dark, gloomy, depressing hole of “suck”…

Childhood trauma and/or negative experiences also plays a part in some addictions…physically creating some anomalies in the growing brain that may result in cognitive, behavioral, and social impairments…I sure am glad our brains have neuroplasticity…

¡¡¡No excuses!!! …but a view of the building of my mountain through the lens of my past…

I have studied science, spirituality, read hundreds, maybe thousands of books on self-improvement, psychotherapy, therapists, and any other method of recovery that I came across on this journey of self-knowledge and healing for the last millennium…well, maybe not that long… but a least most of my life…

Feeling proud by Unknown Author | Proud of myself quotes, Go for it quotes,  Simple reminders

I have come a long way…and I am enormously proud of every knot in the tapestry of my life…every crack…every scar…there is still much to experience… life is a fantastic continuous journey of learning and growing…

The mountain is still in front of me…waiting to be scaled…to be conquered…there is a life to be lived on the other side…although there are no guarantees…whatever I can do to extend the longevity and enjoyment of my remaining life is important to me…now that I found my sweetest Mr. P… we have adventures to seek…and a shared life to savor…I have a novel to write and fine art photographs to create…family and friends to embrace…

What is the plan forward…a good question is what I need to do differently than I’ve done before…

Day 01

Heading Back to Base Camp

Day 01 – Today I fast to give my body a rest…reset and detox…luckily for Mr. P he’s on a business trip and won’t need to deal with any grumpiness…so it’s lots of water and whatever it takes to get through the day without eating…

There is a beautiful view and ecstatically happy emotions to be experienced at the top…but it is in the journey that I will be most content…

“It is not the mountain that we conquer, but ourselves.”…

Sir Edmund Hillary
50 Best Mountain Quotes for Instagram Captions

Much happiness, love, and magic for your day and life…Renée

Witnessing Thoughts…

Meditation or Mindfulness

“Don’t do anything…watch whatever the mind is doing. Don’t disturb it, don’t prevent it, don’t repress it; don’t do anything at all on your part. You just be a watcher, and the miracle of watching is meditation. As you watch, slowly, slowly mind becomes empty of thoughts…. As the mind becomes completely empty, your whole energy becomes a flame of awakening. This flame is the result of meditation. So you can say meditation is another name of watching, witnessing, observing—without any judgment, without any evaluation. Just by watching, you immediately get out of the mind.”

Osho, Mindfulness in the Modern World: How Do I Make Meditation Part of Everyday Life?

Life is such an adventure itself…my favorite quote is from Helen Keller who lived and loved life though she was born blind and deaf (and you thought you had challenges) “Life is a daring adventure or nothing at all” … I am embarking on another challenging aspect…challenges are invigorating to my psyche…until I lose (I am not a good loser…just ask Mr. P 😆(we check our Fitbit’s in the morning to see who had the best sleep score and losing at our games of chess…oh, we won’t even discuss that) …adventure/challenges …the reason that I haven’t taken up sitting in a rocking chair…smiling and waving at the world going by…

Photo by Kyle-Johnson

To increase the probably of success on this particular expedition…I am preparing more deliberately…preparing a life with every tip and technique that I know is best for my unique personality…there will be many things that I will not be able to control during this trek up my mountain…but there will be things that I can control and that will definitely assist in making the best decisions in those uncontrollable places…

I face challenges that have tripped me up…the reason for my skinned elbows and knees…I am sure that most everybody has heard of HSP’s …Highly Sensitive Person…sounds like a trumped-up excuse for someone that is just “overly sensitive”…as much as I have disliked this particular personality trait…feeling broken…it makes life easier to navigate with the knowledge…and yeah! I am not alone…supposedly 15-20% of the population are in my “tribe”..

Was it something that I had developed in childhood because of the trauma…I thought that it might be due to my need to be highly alert to any changes in parental behaviors to protect myself…scientifically being an HSP is genetic…https://www.futurity.org/highly-sensitive-people-brains-2559912-2/…although it did have an outsized effect on my ability to navigate life…

HSP’s have a fundamental difference in our brains…Sensory processing sensitivity (SPS) is a biological trait where our central nervous systems experience acute physical, mental, or emotional responses to any stimuli…

The best explanation that resonates with me is this…

I like to describe the difference between sensitive and non-sensitive people this way: every morning each of us gets up and tunes in to the world. For a non-sensitive person, tuning in to the world is a lot like tuning in to a radio station. The non-sensitive person tunes in to the one radio station to connect with the larger world. Sensitive people also tune in each morning. However, in the case of sensitive people, the experience feels like receiving all the radio stations in the world all at once. As a result, sensitive people are inundated and since this is caused by a physical characteristic, the nature of our nervous systems, we cannot turn it off. No off switch! https://sensitiveevolution.com/unique-frequency-sensitive-people/

So, what does being an HSP and witnessing thoughts have to do with each other…good question

Meditation/learning mindfulness is one critical component of the mental training for my endeavor …recently I was trying to find a way to increase my sleep score (😂 to beat Mr. P) and meditation was one of the suggestions…my mind never seems to be calm enough to sweetly drift off on the magic carpet of sleep…many years I took over the counter sleeping pills just to relax enough to get to sleep…not an answer…my sleep patterns were still horrible…but at least I got a few hours before I woke up again to face the racing thoughts…(my brain trying to make sense of all the static and messages that bombarded me that day)

I thought I should at least give it a try…for scientific purposes…always thought it was a bunch of hooey and mumble jumble…there are thousands of programs, apps and You tube videos…tried a few…none of them really felt harmonizing to my soul…I haven’t learned how to meditate without assistance…I have been using Waking Up app for over a year…***just a personal choice that works for me and no payment for my endorsement…my sleep score has improved once I started meditating…mornings are my preferred time of meditation…10 minutes to get me in a calmer frame of mind…

Back to how this all connects to becoming healthier…you thought if you just “dieted” and “exercised” several hours a day…short term it may work for some…for me it is not a sustainable or long-term remedy…well, not really even short term…more than a day or two at the most…

Mindfulness helps me to manage the stress and control the emotional eating…being able to just stay in the moment and watch my feelings…not being attached and feeling the need to soothe and alleviate them “right now” by overeating…they pass…the feelings and emotions do pass…really…really…if you let them…

Meditation allows us to shift through thoughts…question the foundation that we make our choices from…our bodies are only the outward manifestation of what is going on in the inside…if we do not change how we think…any physical change will only be temporary… that is the reason that 99% of people (I didn’t look up the actual amount, but I know it is a lot)that lose weight, gain it back and more…

Meditation and mindfulness affect the body as well as the mental “stuff”…it helps to reduce the stress hormone cortisol…the nasty thing that just calls to the sweet, fatty, and salty foods for immediate surge in energy for the “fight or flight” those stressful situations used to call for…

Because we do not need to run from the caveman next door…most of the time, anyway…it doesn’t have anywhere to go and usually starts hanging around our belly button…maybe, it’s looking for a way out🙃…our bodies complain by feeling more depressed and tired…and that’s so that’s why it is important in my preparation to consistently continue the habit of mindfulness…

“It is never too late to turn on the light. Your ability to break an unhealthy habit or turn off an old tape doesn’t depend on how long it has been running; a shift in perspective doesn’t depend on how long you’ve held on to the old view. When you flip the switch in that attic, it doesn’t matter whether it’s been dark for ten minutes, ten years or ten decades. The light still illuminates the room and banishes the murkiness, letting you see the things you couldn’t see before. It’s never too late to take a moment to look.”

Sharon Salzberg, Real Happiness: The Power of Meditation
Love, Laughter and Magic❣

BTW – 10,000 steps (564 calories)1336 calories (which included a gin and diet sprite) …developing the habit of exercise and keeping a food diary…more preparation still to go…little by little…

Turtling On


― 

Starting the Climb…

This is wedding week…a wonderful happy occasion with a roller coaster of emotions for me…in South African…not able to have my family and friends to celebrate with…yet yesterday I received wonderful news that my son was flying halfway around the world…more than a 36-hour trip for him…to be with me and give me away…my heart just melted into a bubble of tenderness…

I am incredibly grateful for Mr. P’s beautiful family here that took me in with open arms and hearts…the wedding is being held at his sister’s house…the most gracious host and hostess…an intimate beautiful and charming summer midmorning wedding…all the beauty that I always wanted is coming true…the wildflower bouquet…the cake that I had always dreamed of…of course, it’s chocolate with chocolate ganache for Mr. P’s tastebud approval…

I had emphatically stated for many years that I would never, ever get married again…every relationship in the past had failed horribly…no matter how hard I tried they ended leaving painful wounds that took years to heal…that was my paradigm…all I have experienced…so why in the world would I sign up for that again…but here I am… scared and happy to believe that this is the right one …at the right time…my handsome knight that kissed me awake to a new world of hope and possibilities…

I am richly blessed with a man who has persevered and loved me despite it all…all the wounds and scars I carry…Arriving two and a half years ago not expecting to get married…🤔possibly a brief interlude in time to enjoy this incredible friendship that we had found despite and probably because of the great distance between us (another story😃)…

During that time we have come through more highs and lows than some couple’s experiences in a lifetime…covid…cancer…my immersion into a new culture…divorce…retirement…and I won’t bore you with the day-to-day choppy struggles that we all sail through…and I’m still here…more in love than I have ever been in my life…and on Sunday I am making THE commitment…no matter what happens I will never regret one moment…

Enough of the warm kissy sappy syrupy dribble of sweet emotions… I am still more comfortable showing the hard shell on the outside…defenses that hide the gooey, emotional, scaredy mess that I really am..

I feel like I am starting a new adventure…(in my marriage) and my goal of health, energy, and vitality…my myriad adventures both in the natural and spiritual arenas have been numerous from living in Thailand and Alaska…and places in between…but this expedition is my personal Mount Everest…it will take a huge amount of determination and dedication to complete this formidable journey to its end…

Like the climb to Mount Everest…I have been acclimatizing myself for many years…I’ve failed numerous times on this endeavor before…even reached the peak of goal weight…I hadn’t lost the weight for myself…only to compete for my ex’s attention and love against the women of his affairs…of course it did not have anything to do with how “thin” I was…so I failed and incurred more inflamed scars to weigh me down…and stuffed my anger, feelings of betrayal and hurt…every traumatic emotion becoming trapped…creating body armor that became useful in my life…

Your unhealthy habits were just survival mechanisms that you held onto to protect yourself. You aren’t trying to be self-destructive! Your brain is just telling you that danger is imminent, so you prepare accordingly. But you just need to slowly build new, healthy habits because you aren’t in danger anymore.

Heading for First Camp

Let’s try and start unraveling the tangled mess from the beginning…

I look at these photos of when I was 2 years old, and I see innocent happiness and an unbounded child’s joy…where did she go…this sweet child…will I ever find her again…

I sit here…feeling the pain start to wrack my spirit…I am in a safe and loving environment, and I am OK…Really…this is apparently going to be part of the exploration… I didn’t want to go through this process…I really didn’t…I held the belief that if ever I opened the faucet ever so slightly…that it wouldn’t just drip out a drop at a time…but gush out so rapidly that I would drown in excruciating agony…

I am loved. | Happy Wives Club

AND

110 Love Quotes

Preparation this week is being healthy self-care of exercising and keeping a food journal…slowly and surely…my friend and support MP and I call it turtling🐢🐢🐢…