Not My Monkey…Not My Circus

I almost laughed out loud when my therapist spoke those words aloud…I had been upset because I had been trying to control something/someone that I had no control over…being an Empath has always muddied the waters by feeling the emotions of others …always devoting my precious energy to trying to thinking, ruminating over and over …trying to control situations that I had no business trying to manage…partly to make everyone happy and in part, trying to control out of fear …an old childhood trauma reaction

“Not my circus” is code: you are not the ringmaster here. You can watch the show, and certainly decide whether you stay in that tent, but you cannot control what happens there. Learning which circus is yours can diminish your stress remarkably. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/depression-management-techniques/201412/not-my-circus-not-my-monkeys

Just love that passage…Backing off and relaxing the grip on the need to control everything and everybody within my sphere of influence feels like taking gulping in a huge breath of air after I’ve been holding my breath for eons…or what feels like eons

It’s never to late to learn better ways to navigate life…even if I was told that it’s “a little late to be learning” how to travel this plain of existence in a slightly healthier manner …or in my case, I just want my life journey to be happier and more filled with joy with the time that I have available …much better way to be available to give love to those who need it than from a depressed and sad place …

The recent path has been passing rather rapidly …the time feels long when I am in the work but the last few weeks …a down hill runaway train feels like a more apt description …just raise my hands and scream …I heard you should do that on a roller coaster to release the fear😂

I realize that there is still a decent amount of work to do to step off the brakes of life …I’m still ok with that …progress is progress and any amount is going in the right direction …so on I go


“Go back?” he thought. “No good at all! Go sideways? Impossible! Go forward? Only thing to do! On we go!” So up he got, and trotted along with his little sword held in front of him and one hand feeling the wall, and his heart all of a patter and a pitter.”

 J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

As I continue to work on becoming a more balanced empath and controlling my own circus of magical unicorns, dragons and friendly lions …not worrying about what I cannot control and shifting to what joyful life I can create …there is still the view of the mountain of losing weight in my sight…

I took a break for a few months to find some balance and work at removing the rocks and boulders that kept tripping me up …I’m ready to try again …a firm believer that when you’re ready the teacher comes or the path is revealed …this morning was an “aha” moment …

There are hundreds…thousands of ways that the diet industry and every “Tom, Dick and Harry” suggest is the best way to lose weight and be healthy …the scientific community changes it’s opinion right and left also …and I’ve tried almost every single one of them …ashamed of the money and energy seemingly wasted on the endeavor …past is past

Anyway…back to this morning …talking to my friend that has been struggling right along beside me …she told me about her sister that had lost over 100 pounds in less than a year …and about the same age bracket …a light blinked on…

I had been reading an Instagram account of a younger woman who had followed the same basic principles …but I was skeptical that it would work for a post menaposual woman …those pesky hormones and all that …but here was a perfect example that the simplest solution might be the answer …

Both of these women did the same basic things … 1) Each day when they reached their calorie allotment, they quit eating. No food restrictions or special types of food. 2) Exercise. One 30 minutes of treadmill walking and the other an hour of fast walking. No special equipment. Just moving. 3) Tracking weight…one recorded their weight daily and the other weighed once a week.

So that is the plan to start climbing again …I’m rather excited to see what I can do…70 days till home USA

“Wouldn’t it be powerful if you fell in love with yourself so deeply that you would do just about anything if you knew it would make you happy? This is precisely how much life loves you and wants you to nurture yourself. ~Alan Cohen

Sending the gift of love and laughter…a peaceful heart filled with joy and sprinkled with the magic of a life❣

Burning to Emerge…

When I started writing about my “climb up the mountain” of weight loss…there was nowhere in my wildest and crazy thought processes that I could envision where it would take me on my soul’s journey…

 “Don’t hoard the past. Don’t cherish anything. Burn it. The artist is the phoenix who burns to emerge.” – Janet Fitch.

This segment of the path is not completed…yet, I have come further than I would have imagined in a short about of time…

Tears have fallen like a molten lead flame…rising from a broken heart…sliding from beneath my eyelids…the soul rendering grief as I whimpered…sobbed convulsively…moaned…and cried seemingly endless tears…the agony of grieving hurts like hell as the saltwater of tears burns through the wounds… burning past chapters of my life…some I have saved and hold tight within my memories…most I am burning and letting go…“Even a spineless arthropod sheds what’s no longer useful and leaves it behind them. Are you not greater than they?” ― Jason Versey

 “Darling, you’re not falling apart. You’re getting rid of the pieces that no longer serve your purpose, this is a surgery of the spirit, and it can be painful as hell.”

Kalen Dion.

Excess weight has been a survival mechanism that I needed…and I find myself still “eating” as a means of grounding myself when the world “feels” overwhelming…why?

Being an empath is difficult and has often felt like a curse, more than a blessing…how do I explain what an empath is…it has become a more commonly accepted way of being…so much that neuroscientists and psychologists now accept and use the term…

“The term ‘Empath’ has become popular in recent years, often used to describe someone with a higher-than-normal degree of empathy. Empaths absorb others’ energy to the point where they feel like an ‘emotional sponge’. They do not have the filters most people do, and they seem to feel other people’s stress and feelings in their own bodies”https://eggshelltherapy.com/empath/

Probably brought on due to the trauma of my childhood wounding and “growing-up” years…it became a survival mechanism that I needed to have to tune in to how my narcissistic parent (which is also caused by his own childhood wound) was feeling so I could do what I needed to be “safe”… Being empathic makes it easier to notice other people’s emotions, thoughts, and feelings

I didn’t understand what was happening and as life progressed and I continued to draw narcissistic people into my life…the emotional load became too much…I always felt overwhelmed and not grounded in my own body….the food that I have craved…are heavier vibrationally dense…foods and drinks that are processed and lost all of their natural energy…alcohol, caffeine, dairy products, GMO foods like corn or soy, soft drinks, beverages with added sugar, wheat and products containing gluten, unhealthy fats and oils…the added weight adding an additional benefit …serving also as an added blanket of protection…both physically and emotionally…


“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a ‘hot mess’ or having ‘too many issues’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.”
― Anthon St. Maarten

So, what’s next on this journey…definitely continued healing…releasing the outdated offensive energy blocks (the pain and hurt) that I carried for years…and filling those empty spaces with more love…learning how to serve as an empath without losing my own identity…it is a process that I must be patient with and love myself through…

I had my first meeting with a psychologist last week to help guide me in this continuing expedition up the mountain…the first meeting was more about mapping out the journey of my life up until now …I was blessed to connect to the right one for me…her suggested reading was The Source written by a South African Tara Swart…“a neuroscientist and MIT lecturer that shows how science supports the Law of Attraction as a tool for discovering the authentic self”…

How synchronicitous is that…it is a rather exciting process for me…like the cage doors are opening and I can finally be free…do you have any idea of what even the thought of freedom means for the Aquarian freedom loving person🤣…like air…necessary

I haven’t lost any weight yet …but it really is ok…I will as I learn new skills to cope…and I know that my optimum weight is about 130…I have so many exciting things to look forward to…and losing the weight is just a fraction of the blessings that I am in anticipation of…

I choose to share the journey to be brave and bold …to view my scars is to know you are not alone …much love, joy, and magic for your day❣

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”

 Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead

There is a new story that will be written from the ashes of the old…

The Fork in The Road For the Empaths

Dear Empathic Soul

It is terribly challenging

to live with little or no filter;

To hear every drop of tears from near and far away;

To see human and non-human expressions of sorrow;

To every day have the world’s pain piercing through you;

To sensing the lies and hypocrisies when others don’t;

To feel trapped in your heightened sensitivity and perception.

At some point, you reached a fork in the road

where you had to decide:

Either to stay here with us, in this imperfect world, or you float up, dissociate, and leave.

I bet you have tried them all:

The spiritual bypassing, the closing down, the tuning out, the numbing using addictions, or dulling through drugs.

The desert offered transient tranquillity, but eventually led you down a path of emptiness, deep aloneness, meaninglessness and eventually,

despair.

Boredom is a result of fear—

It was all too edgy to sit with, so you left.

As you withdraw from the heartache, you also leave behind your hope and love.

At some point, you will reach another fork in the road

where you have to decide:

To stay, or to leave.

A yes or a no to the marriage with life.

The key to moving forward is ‘commitment’;

You either commit to being a part of humanity, or you divorce yourself from it all.

You might have thought that you were too weak, too porous, too soft

for such a commitment.

Yet something magical happens when you say ‘I do.’

The words clear your path, the intention gives you strengths.

How does this work?

By committing to staying with the world, you must also live with other people’s limitations and dysfunctions.

Then, you come face to face with your shadows and your own dysfunctional parts.

Your heart softens, and you learn the art of unconditional love and acceptance of yourself and others.

By committing to cohabiting a space with others, you deal with the daily irritants, inconvenience, and transgressions.

In doing so, you come to embrace life for what it is, rather than constantly trying to change it to the way you want it.

Eventually, you become strong.

With all the terrors comes glory.

As your commitment to the world ripens, it rewards you with richness, joy and strength.

So you were born an empath.

Where do you go from here?

Do you rise to the occasion, yield to the path that you were given,

let it shape you, and allow Life to use you as a vessel,

Or do you hide, shrink, and leave?

Ultimately, you root to rise

not because it is moral, or even particularly honourable,

But because it is the only way to go.

https://eggshelltherapy.com/empath

The Curse of the Sensitive…

“It’s okay to be sensitive that’s what happens when you have magic in your heart.”

Unknown

Have you felt that you do not fit in this cruel and ugly world…a misfit…a weirdo…being Highly Sensitive HSP is both a blessing and a curse…feeling intensely every nuance of the world…the volume turned up…intense and louder…

Hiding from the world is often so much easier…

It is this sensitivity, perception, sincerity, awareness, affection, and gentle grace that make me who I am…yet it is has been at a cost that I am no longer willing to pay…

I have been searching for an answer to losing the extra weight that I am currently carrying and if you have read my blog recently…I have not been successful with the alleviation of any of the weight…I have tried everything…as I have since gaining it…but to no avail…

“Highly sensitive beings suffer more but they also love harder, dream wider, and experience deeper horizons and bliss. When you’re sensitive, you’re alive in every sense of the word in this wildly beautiful world. Sensitivity is your strength. Keep soaking in the light, and spreading it to others.” – Victoria Erickson

So back to the drawing board…I have said it before, and I will say it again…there is always an answer…I tweaked by back a couple of weeks ago taking photographs on the ground…twisting to get just the right angle…flat out until I could see the physiotherapist…a lot of time to listen to audios and research…

I wasn’t too hep on writing about it until I’ve tried a few more weeks…possibly, I was led to an answer that might work for me… Being sensitive may preclude me from the same solution that may work for other people…at least everything that I tried in the past failed me after a week or two of pure Willpower wore off…

When did I gain weight…and why…going back to the beginning to find the root cause…maybe dig that weed out where it began…

Keep Looking For Answers

I gained extra fluff when I needed to feel safe…definitely doesn’t make logical sense…but there are blocks to why it is feels safer to keep the extra weight…it was and is padding from all the painful intensity of life…

If you are an HSP you will understand…often seen as quirky…being an HSP isn’t a disorder or a condition, but rather a personality trait that’s also known as sensory-processing sensitivity (SPS)…being ultra-sensitive to any and all sensory input, people, and the environment…often intuitive and easily overstimulated…

It is not only the extra padding that protects me…but the types of food that dim the noise of life too…which explains the emotional eating…refined carbs and sugary foods…the simple carbs trigger the pleasure centres of the brain by releasing dopamine…and for me it seems to be more that they also dampen the intensity of emotions and feelings that bombard me…

Some research has shown that some people crave carbs for the serotonin-boosting pharmacologic effect …tryptophan is the precursor to serotonin, eating carbohydrates will presumably make one more serene, sleepier, and more sated than someone whose brain is starving for serotonin…that’s what some anti-depressants are designed to do…increase seratonin…

Via hormonal (insulin) and albumin (a basic carrier protein in the blood) effects, ingestion of carbohydrate leads to the preferential shuttling of the rare dietary amino acid, tryptophan, into the brain.  Tryptophan is what we make serotonin from. The best way to understand this phenomenon is to think of a bunch of guys in red, blue, purple, and green shirts all fighting to get onto an elevator. The guys in green are the happy ones who will help us make serotonin. By eating carbohydrate, we effectively unleash bouncers on the red, blue, and purple guys, leaving the green guys free to go to the front of the line, enter the elevator, and go up to the brain”… https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201203/do-carbs-keep-you-sane

Not everyone will agree with me…remember that everybody is different…I noticed it recently (again)when I had the flu and couldn’t eat anything…my sensitivity increased exponentially…

So, the normal “willpower” method will not work long-term for me…what can I do to release the “padding” and find ways to protect myself that are healthier…ways that will support myself and be responsible for my own well-being…

In my searching…I stumbled across an energy psychology method that is known as Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) or simply tapping…”similar to acupuncture, EFT focuses on the meridian points — or energy hot spots — to restore balance to your body’s energy. It’s believed that restoring this energy balance can relieve symptoms a negative experience or emotion may have caused.” https://www.healthline.com/health/eft-tapping

I tried it…and I absolutely love it…it is very calming and over time…supposedly helps build immunity over stress…but time will tell…committed to continuing a daily routine…you actually focus on the negative emotion at hand…addressing the root cause…and by tapping sending a calming signal to the brain…helping to calm oneself…

But I noticed even more was that the scripts always start in loving and accepting yourself where you are at in the moment…I am finding that self-love and acceptance are a beginning… I have “hated” myself …my body for being this way…how many of us respond well to being disliked and told that we are awful human beings…

The tapping made me feel calmer…but the self-love felt like a thick warm blanket on a cold damp evening…loving and honoring myself…even thanking my body for doing what I had asked…to protect me…to keep me safe from people…this bulletproof vest…

I will continue the experiment of finding healthier ways to protect myself…and even though I love myself now…as I am…it will not keep me from finding healthier ways to cope and sooth the anxiety…and I am worthy of more love…and more (still working on that)…

The beauty of hope…the magic in the everyday…

‘And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.’

Billy and The Minpins

Much love, laughter for your day…and watch for the magic🦄…

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