#life-and-living – Page 6 – Threads of Thought

Day 277…Lock Down & Locked Up with Mr. P

Husband wife fighting (With images) | Funny marriage pictures — **…And the good news is…we haven’t killed each other yet…**

In this liminal space between the ‘what was’ and the ‘next.’…not quite knowing how to navigate this ‘in between’ space…hurtling across that void of unknowing…this is the space that most of us are occupying at the moment…

Anxious, uncertain and kind-of-scared…isolated from my children and grandchildren in a time of global crisis…and forced proximity with Mr. P…

Now self isolation and sheltering in place…Oh my! this is where I find… My state of bliss

Cooped up 24/7….how would this affect our blooming relationship..like any 2-way street…still under construction…and no space in our togetherness…

In the 9 months that I have been here in South Africa…every morning Mr. P ascends his White Steed and trots off into the frey of the battle in his work-a-day life…

Our budding love had been so incredibly sweet and beautiful…like a blooming garden…every day I found a new delight…of course, there have been a few weeds and bugs we have encountered…but just enough to add a little interest and never enough to detract from the joy and pleasure of this relationship…

I was curious as to how the quarantine would alter our dynamics…

There have been a couple of strategies that I know have been instrumental in ‘surviving’ during this stressful time…and even ‘thriving’ during this unsteady, uncomfortable, anxiety -ridden time…

#1. We kept a half-way standard routine…coffee in bed and enjoyed the lazy morning hours to just revel in the warmth of the morning sun and each other…Mr. P caught us up on on the news, while I shared all hilarious memes and beautiful photography before starting the day…and then out of bed and dressing in something other than sweats…gives a small sense of normalcy…

Celebrated Mr. P’s birthday in lock down…with chocolate cake and everything

#2. Exercise and eating healthy…regular meals…Alcohol and chocolate loudly called and tells me that it can fix everything…yet sanity reminds me that cabin fever is not solved with ‘junk’ food…and exercise gives a wonderful boost to the immune system…not being allowed to exercise outside of the home Mr. P runs around the outside of the house for 20-30 minutes every day (the dog thinks his peeps have gone off their flipping rocker)…my preference is on-line exercise programs…

#3. We respect each other’s time and space when needed…when we needed time to work on our individual interests or personal projects…we went to our respective corners…

#4. Completed projects around the house…ahhhh…the sense of accomplishment is a great boost of ‘feel-good’…creating loveliness in our world that does not feel so lovely right now…

TOP 25 GRATITUDE FOR FRIENDS QUOTES | A-Z Quotes

#4. and Gratitude…for me, it’s always about the gratitude for what we have…each other…and the moment

How are you striving to maintain health and sanity during this interval of time? Would adore to know how you keep your life filled with magic, laughter and love during this upheaval in your space …what good things have been awakened in your life…

Day 263…Taking the Leap

And then you knew…

“And suddenly you know: it’s time to start something new and trust the magic of new beginnings.”

~Meister Eckart

On February 2, 2019 I left the safe haven of a small country town called Scottsburg to head for the big city of Atlanta Georgia…451 miles to contemplate what our time together would look like…

Although we corresponded daily… but Port Elizabeth is approximately 7 hours ahead of Scottsburg, Indiana…so while Mr. P was eating supper after work…I was in the middle of my work day…although we corresponded daily…it was normally in voice memos that we sent to each other…we hadn’t really spoken to each other in real time…which had it’s advantages and disadvantages…

Voice memos made it easy to say what I wanted to say in an uncomplicated and tranquil method…there was never any pressure at that point…just a simple flow of words…no thinking of how Mr. P was going to respond…and for him it was the same…

However, that was also a disadvantage…if there was something difficult to discuss or if I was unhappy about something…then I had to wait another 24 hours for a response…and that often felt like waiting on “pins and needles”…

The few phone calls that we had actually been able to experience had felt awkward and far more uncomfortable than the ease and depth of our voice memos to each other would have indicated…

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and therefore…the solitary two day journey to Atlanta had questions bouncing around in my head like kids on a trampoline…and like kids…it was an exercise in futility in stopping them…

Mid-afternoon on a cold February day…I reached the Tennessee border

Tennessee…the country music capitol of the world…the 16th state to enter the union…The Great Smoky Mountains National Park is the most visited national park in the United States…and Tennessee Whiskey…

The American Civil War made a huge impact on Tennessee, with large armies constantly destroying its rich farmland, and every county witnessing combat. It was a divided state, with the Eastern counties harboring pro-Union sentiment throughout the conflict, and it was the last state to secede from the Union, in protest at Lincoln’s call for troops. It also provided more regiments to the Union than every other Confederate state combined. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tennessee_in_the_American_Civil_War

Mr. P was interested in the Midwest States…although he had lived in the North-East and traveled to the US almost every year… he had not really seen this part of the country…so the 10 day journey that we decided on would take us from Atlanta…back through to Tennessee…and onto to Kentucky and Indiana…whether in silence or conversation…we had yet to find out…

It was a brave thing to do with someone that I had only spoken to on the phone…from halfway across the world…but then I have never been one for following conventional rules…where was the fun in that…

“I wondered about the explorers who’d sailed their ships to the end of the world. How terrified they must have been when they risked falling over the edge; how amazed to discover, instead, places they had seen only in their dreams.”
― Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care

Curiosity beckoned…expectation rising…I climbed back behind the steering wheel…turned the music up…hopping back onto that monotony of the interstate, exit signs and mile markers…the future…a misty unknowing…full of uncertainty and obscure dreams…

Photo by Matthew Ronder-Seid on Unsplash

Day 235… Should I or Shouldn’t I

“The best part of the journey is the surprise and wonder along the way.”
― Ken Poirot

Image result for quotes about unknown journey — ***My All Time Favorite Quote***

The adventures of our life come because of the unknown…not knowing what the future will be…the key to enjoying those adventures is being open to that misty uncharted land…unleashing the fetters of the routine and the safety net of our habitual lives…

I had a choice…fear the worst and live in regret for not taking a chance or embrace the joy and curiosity of the possible…

What was the basis of my fear?…why do our minds and thoughts always take the dark road…why do we tend to always believe the worst…our decisions should never be made based on fear…

I had thoroughly enjoyed our correspondence…so much so, that we never missed a day of talking to each other in some way, shape or form…he had shown a large percentage of characteristics of a man that I felt was important in a relationship of my choosing…but there were certain flags that I believed had merit…

But what if…my fears were correct…what if we meet and we weren’t compatible or enjoyed each other’s company…after all…we were from different cultures…grew up in opposing family lifestyles…we were from different social backgrounds…and communicating for 30 minutes in a one-sided conversation is so far from sitting across a table and having a heart-to-heart dialogue…

I do know that I am different from the mainstream woman…I have not lived a conventional life…I do appreciate who I have come to be through the myriad circumstances and environments of my life…and I really do love who I am…but I have never in all of my 60+ years found a man that fit well with this eclectic mixture of womanhood…

When I am in this type of conundrum…I ask myself “what is the worst case scenario” and “how would I handle it?…

The truth was if I didn’t meet with him…I could potentially lose this relationship anyway…the possibility was intriguing…and worst case scenario we would have an interesting 10 days together…

Mr. P traveled to the US every year for a convention and the time was drawing near…a decision needed to be made…no more waffling…

I did…in hindsight…it was the best decisions in my life and definitely one that I will never regret..no matter what the future may hold…

“So. Tell me. What do you think? Which is better? To take action and perhaps make a fatal mistake – or to take no action and die slowly anyway?”
― Ahdaf Soueif, The Map of Love

It was decided to meet in Atlanta, Georgia…and on February 2, 2019 I left the small city of Scottsburg, Indiana to start the most life changing journey of my life…to find a miracle…find the magic of love

“The friendship I have had in my heart for you has ripened into a deeper feeling, a feeling more beautiful, more pure, more sacred. Dare I name it you? Ah! It is love which makes me so bold!” — Margaret Mitchell, Gone with the Wind

…wishing you magic, laughter and most of all love…

Day 232…The Heart Has No Wrinkles

…it is never to late to find your “Happily ever after”…

On March 8th, 2020…Mr. P and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary… of when we first met across 2,000 miles of oceans and space…and I was 62

After several disastrous failed relationships…and thousands of encounters on just as many dating sites (OK, an exaggeration…but that was what it felt like)…off and on over decades (and that is not an exaggeration)…I had lost hope of love…I was trying to learn the art of contentment with the company of self…and just be grateful and relish the myriad number of blessings in my life…

…and then at the most unexpected time and with a most unexpected person…

…living in a sparsely populated country community…although full of lovely members…was not chock full of eligible bachelors that met my extremely prohibitive list of requirements…

“She always thought she needed someone to love when all she really needed to do was love the world and let love find her in its time and in its way.”― Kate McGahan

Whether good or bad…I had learned enough about what was important and even necessary in a companion for me…I wasn’t desperate to settle with just anyone…just for the sake of being in a relationship…I had gotten to the point of “I would rather be alone”…than settling for “less than” what my heart felt it needed and/or wanted…and although it had turned out badly…I had experienced “love” in my innocence…

In my ever thirsty seeking of adventure and knowledge of the world…I joined a PenPal site..hey…just for the heck of it…and one day…I had a message from a man from South Africa wanting to exchange photographs…he was such a gentleman also…not like most of the men that had answered my post…He offered to help me put my photo right side up apparently my photo was laying on it’s side…now who could turn that down…

He liked my Alaska photos…and he was a pilot who had taken some stunning photos also…so the adventure began…

It did not ever cross my mind that it would lead to anything more than a casual exchange of emails and photos…after all he was half a world away…so he was a “safe” encounter…later I find out that apparently his ideas of what was happening was very different from mine…

The correspondence went on for several months and we slowly revealed a little more about ourselves…our conversations became a little deeper…he was experiencing some life events that I had already lived through…and hopefully my “coming through to the other side” might be encouraging…

With no pressure…and no expectations…it was effortless to be open and genuine…over the following months…I started to “like” this fascinating person that I call Mr. P…he was intelligent and could carry on interesting conversations on diverse subjects (a primary requisite)…and on top of that…he was emotionally intelligent…

He was cultured and traveled…a love of adventure was also on the list

He had goals and ambitions…not waiting to sit in a rocking chair or fishing boat…or spend hours in front of the TV (although a couple of hours watching science videos is a totally different matter)…

He was a man prone to faithfulness in a relationship…he had been married for 30 years…had moral integrity…a big NO. 1 after my history…

And he believed in God…although our views about how the world was created and other religious/spiritual beliefs are different…we respect and even debate each other’s suppositions (I fear that he is winning)…

So now what..

…after approximately 8 months of transitioning from email correspondence to constant lengthy voice memos and numerous daily What’s App messages…he wanted to come and meet me…OMG!!!!…No way…no how…

How to ruin the perfectly fantastical and exhilarating friendship…meet up…

“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”
― Robert Fulghum, True Love

Day 223…Beets,Grape Leaves and Wine

…it was like being given a handful of vibrant colored finger paints and just “having fun”… enjoying the wild abandonment in the process of “creating” something new and different…like children enjoying play and as adults seizing the joy of the evening…

Low slanting sun-rays…our Sunday night was mellow, cool and calm…as those beginning days of autumn often are…

As most women from my generation were taught…Cooking is love made visible…and that night was the perfect time to remind Mr. P that he was at the top of my “love list”…

As background…I abhor…detest..have a strong aversion…to the beautiful red vegetable…called the beet…I have tried…numerous times (they say you can develop a taste for things)…but even the smell gags me (a little)…but in love I overrode the feeling…found several recipes and went to the kitchen…and started shredding and chopping to make the requested Borscht for Mr. P…

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.” ~W.C. Fields

and then the fun began…no stranger to the kitchen..Mr. P. decided to try his hand at dolmades…the rustling of the leaves on his grapevines had been whispering with continued fervency to him since the first light green of Spring…

Another food item that held no interest to me…I do have to admit that I had never tasted one before…leaves should be something to be viewed with admiration as they turn into gold and red…not cooked and eaten…but just my view…

I do so relish trying new recipes and learning about new cuisines…after-all, cooking is the highest art form…although temporal at best…not just appealing to one sense…such as a painting appealing to sight and music appealing to the sense of sound…but if done well…

cooking is such an intimate art form…a thrill for all five senses at once…marrying the perfect balance of textures…flavors…colors…and aromas…creating memories and evoking feelings…

…but I digress

The final product was not what we thought it would be…the mature grape leaves were a little tough…but with Mr. P’s own unique mixture of spices the rice was tasty…he is an Engineer after-all…

Mr. P seemed to like his Borscht..he ate it two nights in a row…the recipe used was was from a Ukrainian recipe…but then, as I always do…made it my own… simmering Pork rashers with the Ukrainian sofrito of diced onions and finely julienned carrots…a stew…slightly sweet with a balancing tang…but as always…with the secret ingredient of “Love”…

for an interesting article on Borscht…https://www.newyorker.com/culture/annals-of-gastronomy/let-me-count-the-ways-of-making-borscht…

Love for food and love for those you invite to your table. With a combination of these things you can be an artist – not perhaps in the representational style of a Dutch master, but rather more like Gauguin, the naïve, or Van Gogh, the impressionist. Plates or pictures of sunshine taste of happiness and love.”
Keith Floyd, ‘A Feast of Floyd’

Day 217…Busy as a Bee

Alone with nature is a soothing balm to the soul…it’s healing blanket wraps the soul in peace…

I walked in the warm enveloping morning soon and found nature all busy…as if life had not changed one iota…nature’s assurance that day will follow the night…and life will continue

Some people are called to leave us, but it is not the ending of the story…just the ending of their part in our story…

We can lament about what was or be grateful for the things that were…even the scars left are a part of their legacy…helping to create the beautiful tapestry of our lives…

…because in the end…it takes both the light and dark threads intertwined to create our mosaic…the tangled and knotted threads that we often obsess over are only part of the story…and often only seen by us…in the end God will reveal the unique and impeccably perfect masterpiece of our lives…

When the needle of life pricks the very depth of your soul…remember it is not the end…morning will come again…just as the day follows the night…

“Don’t be ashamed to weep; ’tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.”
― Brian Jacques, Taggerung

Day 216…Journey to Forgiveness

Saying Good-bye…

And in the end…he loved
February 16, 1931 – February 24, 2020

…May his heart now rest in peace…and may mine also

My Father’s Family

…quite a handsome young man that looks very happy in this photo…but as I look at this photo, I remember the frequent times that he voiced that he blamed his Mother for all the anger that he felt toward’s women…and I felt the brunt of that anger as the eldest…both emotionally and physically…and more that my mind has ever would allow me to remember…

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
― Oprah Winfrey

The year that I was about 9 years old…with a family that he needed to feed and only a seasonal sawmill job…plus the promise of religious fulfillment…he put his wife…all four of his children, our German Shepherd Sheba… in a beat-up jalopy with a huge hole in the back floorboard…and with $50.00 left for Jeffersonville, Indiana…

…and there my life in the religious cult started…the abuse became more profuse there…he was either fervently and brutally religious or demonically violent…the pain traumatizing each cell in my body…until the only way to survive as not be inside of my body… in anguish and agonizing a-loneness…bleeding in my child’s soul…

…my mother was the perfect example of grace and beauty…inside and out…even in the place of her own pain..for once I had wanted to see if she remembered what had happened in a place that we had lived in Wisconsin…to this day, I don’t remember anything about that time…yet when I asked her about it…she replied that it was too painful to remember…

….Smiling on the Outside

After the age of 18…for many years I didn’t see or have much to do with my Father or any of my family…and life moved on…time moved on…as I had my own family and dealt with another abusive relationship with a cheating husband…

After finding out that my husband had an affair with my sister…all my Father could say was that… it was my fault…for I had not been a good enough wife…and the abuse was still agonizing…

Yet over the years…I realized that I did not want to continue to feel the pain and live a life less than…to continue moving forward and through was by forgiveness…forgiveness and healing is never a one-time process and it took many years of therapy…prayer…and every book that I could find…step by step…small slow steps…backwards…then forward again…day by day…year by year…the healing slowly and gradually covered the open wounds of my heart…soul…and mind…

…when I came back to Indiana in 2013…it was different now when I saw him…he was physically frail…and he was changed…altered somehow…he often talked about how sorry that he was that he was not a better father…and asked for forgiveness…on more than one occasion…with tears in his voice…not for any specific occurrence…but for a lifetime of hurting his children…

Another layer of forgiveness…I knew in my heart that I would probably never have the chance to see him again once I left for South Africa…I spent as much time with him as I could…loving him and letting him know that I forgave him…so he could have some peace…and I could also…

“Forgiveness is not a feeling: it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense against the offender. Forgiveness is the expression of love.” ~Gary Chapman

In my life I found that…most of the world contains good people that do the best that they can…with what they know and understand coloredand tightly bound by their life experiences…be patient and forgiving…for if they knew and understood…they would do things differently…

Image result for the world is hurting quotes

Love is still the answer…and it will always be…

The most highest and most beautiful form of love is forgiveness…

Dad, may your rest be filled with serenity in the arms of our loving heavenly Father…

your daughter, Renee

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