Category: Selfcare

Wear the Perfume …

Preparing for my day, I stared longingly at the beautiful bottle of Elie Saab Le Parfum that sat on my dressing table …It was an exquisite Christmas gift that I received from my husband💕 …

My “fancy” perfumes, that I saved for ‘special’ occasions have tended to be Chanel or Este Lauder …I wanted something different …something that I husband enjoyed too …after searching the department store, we left disappointed …just outside the door, was a sample table of Elie Saabs perfumes …I had never heard of him before …but, why not …on the last and final try, I found the most heavenly scent …so ultra-feminine …flowery, yet woodsy …The perfume opens with notes of African orange blossom. Jasmine is in the heart, including both Grandiflorum and Sambac, whereas the base consists of cedar, patchouli and rose honey accord. (1)

I sat there wondering, “Why did I think that I should only wear it on special occasions?” …”Was not every day a miracle, a gift, something to be celebrated?” … “Was I not ‘important enough’?’ …

“I am to be loved, honored and respected solely because I exist. I am to be cherished, spoiled, celebrated because I Am! I was made to be admired.
I am a beloved child of God after all.”

 Emmanuella Raphaelle, After the Affair: Re-Membering

I sat there musing …light bulb eventually going off🛎…I have lived with a scarcity mindset, for as long as I can remember …not having enough to eat or having to wear hand-me-down clothes as a child …then after the divorce, struggling just to make ends meet … also, one of the factors to why I sabotage myself in building the healthy habit of cutting out the processed foods … giving up the ‘things that I want and crave’ …

The scarcity mindset overshadows so many parts of my life …not just with food …the emotional deprivation of feeling loved or important created also birthing a “deprivation mindset.” …always expecting the people, I loved to let me down …obsessing about love, food, and money …my brain always in alert mode, to being deprived of those same things …mentally fatigued …hyper focused …anxiety-ridden 24/7

This anxiety of ‘not having enough’ totally interferes with my motivation with eating for nutrition and well-being …making me more vulnerable to temptation …”after all, it might be the last time that I get to eat this food” …how illogical is that? … It has been a subconscious tape running in the background of my mind …and the ‘rut’ is deep …so, what to do to make this path less bumpy? …

What I kept finding, while researching the answer …the No.1 answer across the board was “gratitude” (2)…I am recognizing when the thoughts arise and rewiring …to create an ‘abundance’ mindset …when I review my life, I have always been provided for …there is always ‘enough’ …forgetting that God “owns the cattle on a thousand hills” and I am His child …

Appreciation for what ‘is’ …for the ‘creative aspect of the universe (I call Him ‘God’) …opening myself to the light of love that is available …to living in the moment …being mindful of the delight in focusing on each breath, in savouring a moment, in giving back, and in the feeling of the afternoon breeze on your cheek …mindful gratitude …

My ADHD brain always loves to run away with me …like the dog that finds the gate open …it’s goooone🤣 …meditation and breath work, has been great for reining it back in to the present moment in time …there are so many breathing techniques that it has taken me awhile to find one that feels ‘right’ for me …

Box Breathing is quickly learned and easy to remember, sometimes called the Four-square technique (3), slowly inhaling for the count of four, hold for four, exhaling for the count of four, hold for four…and repeat

My brain cannot focus on anything else, when I am concentrating on the process of breathing, it brings me back to the present …great for when I get anxious …”The slow holding of breath allows CO2 to build up in the blood. An increased blood CO2 enhances the cardio-inhibitory response of the vagus nerve when you exhale and stimulates your parasympathetic system. This produces a calm and relaxed feeling in the mind and body.“(3) …

EFT Tapping is another beneficial technique for mind and body regulation…tapping with the fingertips on meridian points, our energy points (the same points that acupuncturists use) …“During a tapping session, the participant focuses on an undesirable emotion, such as a stressful situation, specific fear or bad memory. While maintaining focus on the concern, the participant uses their fingertips to tap on each of the body’s nine meridian points. Specific phrases are repeated during the session to maintain the focus on the issue at hand. Tapping on the meridian points while concentrating on accepting the negative emotion or concern helps re-balance the body’s energy.” (4) …the beginning acceptance and acknowledgment of the problem to be addressed was satisfying to me …something like “Even though I [insert your issue or fear here], I accept myself and my feelings.” (5) …Breathing techniques are the quicker “whoa” for me …

Wearing the perfume and the sparkly sandals …why not?

So, I dabbed on the perfume … slipped my feet into my pink sparkly sandals and started the day …feeling like it was going to be a really good day …a most excellent day, in fact ...

Peace, love, and happiness for each moment of 2023 …with a sprinkling of magic ❣ …

No Magic Spell🎇

What???????? No magic spell to cure ADHD and erase all the distractibility, and impulsivity that it drags along with this neurodevelopmental disorder. No wizardry that will ease the additional challenges that ADHD brings to the task of losing weight …

Self-regulation mechanisms – the deficits of self-regulation of attention, self-regulation of emotion, and the short-term memory are demons that I have struggled with …although now they are no longer phantom ghosts, I must now come to an acceptance of their reality for me, and find ways to banish them or at least keep them at bay …

They are like the sirens of old …singing the enticing music of beckoning carbohydrates …wrong signals about what is ‘right’ …the same deficit of impulse control that causes me to struggle with in interrupting conversations, making it more challenging to not respond to stress by stuffing myself with that wonderful dopamine feeling that is released with the sugary carby food that I crave in that moment …

I have hated myself for years …because I ‘knew’ what I needed to do …and sometimes for periods of time, I might have been able to contain the overwhelming desires …mostly through sheer willpower and situations that were supportive unbeknownst to me …but then the virtuoso’s that played the music in my brain, regained control …

I had come to have no faith or believe in myself …hate and self-loathing created such havoc …seas of despair ravaged my shores for decades …understanding the arduous tasks that must jealously guarded, give me the advantage of envisioning a possibility of reaching the shore of a healthy life…aka my the mountain top …so microscopic, yet it is there… but then I have lived my life in the embers of hope …my angels working overtime to keep the small fire burning in the midst of the gales of hopelessness that constantly blew across the landscape of my mind …

I have not come to terms with the diagnosis fully …I do not yet see the blessing or the positive aspects of having a non-neurotypical brain …it will take time to learn to love myself …A misogynistic father, a restrictive controlling cult and all my life challenges did not serve to plant the seed of self-love …I am not a victim to that anymore, and I will overcome this challenge, as I have others …

🤔 I have started researching the best way forward from where I am currently standing …just general scientific knowledge has shown the direct correlation between the fuel we put into our bodies and how the engine (brain) functions …the incorrect or substandard (Western type diet) will cause the circuits to misfire …

There are important ‘rules’ for me that I have found by testing and searching for the magic bullet with weight loss, which assist with my mental health …

  • Avoiding artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives in processed foods
  • Eliminating refined sugars. Who is surprised with that one😂The annoying refined sugar bugs impair brain function and really exacerbates my mood disorders …
  • Take Magnesium, B6, Vitamin D and Omega 3 (are helpful to me)
  • Morning Exercise. 30 minutes of an aerobic exercise that increases the dopamine to get me going in the right direction
  • IF 16 hours (intermittent Fasting). I don’t have to worry about what to eat or when to eat. I do always need to be mindful, to eat after that, because if I get too hungry, all impulse control goes out the window.
  • Support to keep me focused and on track. I recently enlisted a new trainer that is super supportive and understands where I am at …is gentle, yet still pushes me to go the distance. Being responsible to someone, other than my husband, is also a a supplement to the process
  • My ADHD medicine is necessary, along with support of a therapist that understands the struggle …

I had the ‘please, let me just die’ flu last week, so that did help with beginning the process of changing my eating. This week, I am focusing on creating exercise habits …it is more sustainable for me to start one habit at a time …

Routine is my secret weapon, it assists me with a sense of the time of day, as well as the day of the week, not to mention my goals and priorities. I don’t need to stress about what I need to do, when I need to do it …as much as I detest routines being a free-spirited Aquarian, it does increase my ability to cope and stay on my meandering path … And not every day lends itself to following the routine to the dots and tittles …but it is a skeleton that is flexible … perfection being unattainable, 80/20 is a lifesaving rule

  • Monday. Weight-In. 30 minutes 8am exercise. IF Fasting till 12
  • Tuesday. Gym Training 1:30 pm. IF Fasting till 12
  • Wednesday. 30 minutes 8am. IF Fasting till 12
  • Thursday is 8am exercise. IF Fasting till 12
  • Friday. Gym Training 1:30. IF Fasting till 12
  • Saturday. 30 minutes 8am exercise. IF Fasting till 12
  • Sunday is my ‘Rest’ Day…Breakfast and a fun day with my husband💕

There are additional changes that are in the wings …for flexibility and strength training …the trainer suggested swimming exercises classes at the gym and a ‘gentle yoga’ class …currently it sounds overwhelming … yet I only need take one day at a time…

Today, Friday is my second gym day …doesn’t sound like much of an accomplishment …but a rung in the ladder …a step ‘at a time’ on this long trek toward the top of the mountain … with courage I am taking each day slowly and with a deliberate focus …as much as possible with an ADHD brain 😂

“Courage wasn’t a matter of taking the whole mountain in a single massive leap. Courage was taking it one step at a time, doing what was necessary now, preparing for the next step, and refusing to worry about whether some step in the future would be the one that would break him.”

– Timothy Zahn, ‘Star Wars’.

I am documenting this journey with ADHD and weight loss at the awesome age of 60+, so if there is anyone that feels hopeless and lost in the gloomy obscurity of life…I leave a little of myself to shine✨ in the mire of despondency that we all feel burdened with at times …

“Don’t feel alone, because there is always someone out there who loves you more than you can imagine.” – Anurag Prakash Ray.

Sending love for your day … love is the magic that creates possibilities where there appears only an abyss of nothingness …Although you may not know me, and I may not have seen you in this physical world …I know you are there, and I walk beside you …may these words wrap a warmth and comforting blanket around your heart …💌

The Abyss of Despair❣

The monster Fear grabbed by hand and led me to the edge of abyss of despair …wrapping its arms around my shoulder, whispering …”there is no hope” ….”Make it easy and just give up”…”the pain will be unbearable” … “there is no way around or through” …”You have always failed, ALWAYS” ….

A recent professional diagnosis of ADD (ADHD) encouraging me to fall to my knees, one more time …some close to me denying the diagnosis …saying that it was incorrect … I do not outwardly exhibit the symptoms that people typically think of as ADHD …I appear calm and peaceful on the outside … not hyper or fidgety …feeling alone because others in my life, do not understand what it means to have to struggle every day with the inability to stay focused and the myriad other mental challenges that ride the coattail of ADD …  “It’s like being a cat with 100 people with laser pointers.” ― Jamie Hynds

“They said I could pass as normal, that I was clever and no one would ever know. They lied. Not about passing. The lie was hidden beneath, in the desire for me to be the same as them. I am extraordinary. They should have helped me soar, be more of me, not less.” ― Anna Whateley

Anna Whateley

Trying to understand myself …I recently read that ADHD can Drastically shorten a patient’s life …”ADHD can reduce life expectancy by as much as 13 years, but its risk is reversible.” https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-life-expectancy …and the darkness enveloped me …shrouding me with the coldness of hopelessness …

That’s all I could focus on … ‘Drastically shorten‘ … “and much higher in women as men” https://edgefoundation.org/does-adhd-shorten-life-expectancy Here I am… enjoying the “best” years of my life, after finding ‘my knight with only moderately dented armor’ and I am being handed a notice of eviction from life sooner than I had planned on …fear saturated every nook and corner of my mind …then I took the keys back …

“As they have taught me, I believe that without asking, we are given all we need. We must have the wit and wisdom to recognize the strengths and tools at our command, and find the courage to do what must be done.”

Dean Koontz, Life Expectancy

The second part of the quote reads, “but its risk is reversible.”… and reading further, “mainly due to accidents” …due to our distractedness and impulsive thinking …I raise my hand 😱…falling after a shower with a nerve damage from a deep shin cut, because I wasn’t paying attention,my mind far away on thoughts of a possible photographic setup …

Although my primary concern is with the health of being at optimum weight for longevity …Hallelujah!!! I understand now, why even though I always have known what I need to do to lose weight and become healthier …I have never been able stick with a program long to lose weight and then keep it off …or lose some weight and then gain it back when life became stressful …

Not only are people with ADHD wired for obesity, but also struggle with the routines that support health …😫ADHD is an executive function deficit disorder …which in laymen means that we lack (in various degrees) the mental abilities that people need to actively pursue goals …our self-regulation …our self-awareness, self-restraint, the ability to hold things in our minds (how we picture things mentally), our internal monologues, emotional self-regulation, and self-motivation, and our planning and problem solving abilities .

My brain craves dopamine (as most ADD brains do) …the neurotransmitter that impacts mood …although exercise increases dopamine …so does the bread, chips, and sugar …which is so much handier and easier to get quickly …

Symptoms like impulsivity make us more prone to give in to cravings for high-fat, high-sugar foods. And the dopamine rush we get from carbohydrates and sweets becomes addictive; it feels as if our brain needs that grilled cheese sandwich.

By ADDitude Editors, John Fleming, Ph.D., Roberto Olivardia, Ph.D.

This week, it was heart wrenching to hear again that the one person that I rely on for support had given up on my losing the weight and being healthy 💔…what is more devastating is the knowledge that there is no way to explain sufficently the difficulty that I deal with on a daily …a minute by minute struggle …when I am actively doing my absolute best to do what I know is supportive of weight loss …even more of a struggle, because I am also in an incredible stressful situation currently …

I had no idea, how much the ADHD worked against me with this goal of becoming healthier …

ADHD creates problems with self-regulation — of attention, short-term memory, and emotion—that extend to food intake. Trouble with impulse control keeps people with ADHD from thinking, “I won’t eat that because it’s not healthy, and I will regret it later.” Instead, we grab an unhealthy snack without considering if it’s a good idea or not.

The ADHD brain has low levels of two neurotransmitters: dopamine (responsible for feelings of reward) and GABA (responsible for inhibition). We crave sugar to stimulate dopamine production. This, paired with a lack of inhibitions, can set the stage for weight gain. https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/adhd-weight-loss-tips

Still, possible …just more challenging …’Diets’ are not going to work …but that’s the case for even the 90% +/- of the world’s “neurotypical” … So where do I go from here???????????

It’s going to be one beautifully, blessed day …or minute, or second at a time …even a nanosecond, if necessary … because I have not come through burning hell to lie down now …I am determined to live … I will fight for that privilege with every breath that I have … if a few more scars are incurred…I am willing to pay that price …my scars are my beauty

Always sending love, happiness, and magic for your day … for those who are struggling …please hold on and find beauty in the darkness …it is there, if you search …You are never alone …I promise❤

“My thoughts are like butterflies. They are beautiful, but they fly away.”
― Anonymous

Walking the Path…

When I started writing about my weight loss journey…little did I know that it would take me through this dark journey…and never would have thought about sharing…but I do so in the hope that it may be a guiding star in someone else’s darkness…

I cry almost every day, right now …and often feel like I have no skin and my innermost being is raw … screaming internally with every breath of air…irrationally I am not depressed…I know that there is an end…this is only the beginning to a beautiful ending …this is the beauty of the darkness

 When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside – that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can’t. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it’s just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world. 

Chase Brooks

The analogy that comes to mind is the treatment needed for third degree burns …my past traumas caused damage to the very depth of my being …I hadn’t realized the severity …I numbed the pain to survive…the best way I could …anaesthetizing the deep inner wounding and brokenness in whatever way I could manage… now the scar tissue must be scrubbed clean …and it hurts like the dickens …

Instinctively I knew that this healing would be painful …I humbly submitted to God that I would walk the path …it is my “valley of death” that I am walking through …not to live in or die here …but to walk through …releasing the infectious thoughts and beliefs that have kept me small and hidden (out of fear) …definitely, “It would be easier to keep playing life without being whole …it is done all the time …but that is not what I choose …

My first session with the a registered clinical psychologist and pastoral therapist is still about 10 days away …I am responsible for my own life and have been experimenting with spiritual practices to find what works for me …EFT tapping helps with anxiety …many people swear by its weight loss attributes … I haven’t gone that far with it yet definitely helps in several ways for me…

“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience”

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

EFT Tapping has been used successfully in PTSD survivors … a lot like acupuncture without the needles …EFT uses fingertip tapping to apply pressure to the meridian points …points in our body which the Chinese believe that our energy flows through …

There are several steps …but the one that spoke to me first was the “setup phrase”… a common setup phrase is: “Even though I have this [fear or problem], I deeply and completely accept myself.” …affirmations are about what we want to become … not acknowledging where we are and loving ourselves in spite of those imperfections …

So much of my issues stem from not knowing how to love myself …something I never learned as a child to do …that statement I deeply and completely accept myself” along is very healing …self-acceptance even when I am not that “perfect” version of myself I feel I need to be to be accepted and loved …EFT tapping has worked for me in shorting the overload of anxiety when I use it …

Learning to heal the inner child …is my biggest challenge …. “adulting” is not something I really learned to do well …I had no role models …and my parents were unable to provide the knowledge I needed to navigate the world due to their own traumas …and being kept secluded in the cult” gave me no other options to come across any …

“When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves.” ― Jess C. Scott

Today I completed a YouTube Video Yoga for trauma healing …a gentle yoga not focused on hard poses to master …a way to safely connect with my body …slowly starting to release the lower vibrational energy that I have stored in my body …helpfully liberating tension

That is how I view the extra weight that I carry with me …a lower vibrational energy that I stored with every bite of food that I used to stuff anger, hurt, fear and all the other negative emotions and feelings that food helped me to manage in a more societal acceptable way …

“The fact is, all of us are living with the invisible wounds of some kind of war. Yoga helps you to let go of the things that don’t serve you anymore.”
Dan Nevins, yoga ambassador and US Army veteran

Tomorrow will be a new day …new hope …a gift to be opened with grace and gratefulness …this is not the end, only the beginning…there is a reason that I wear a butterfly tattoo🦋

Across the miles ..I send you love…with prayers for all the laughter and magic you can hold❣

Atomic Habits…

Atomic Habits…a book written by James Clear is one of the best books that I have read on the importance of tiny habits making a dramatic difference in our lives…

I saw my dietician last Friday…three days ago…I had gained some since I first saw her in February…but now I am in a different place…more aware of the emotional components in this process…I am so proud of myself.. I started the program the next day…not waiting and gorging all weekend till Monday morning…which is a first for me (a very good sign)

She has a different approach than I have been programmed to believe is the answer…she believes in a lifestyle of healthy eating…not a dieting mindset…Focusing on behavior…not just on diet…

Taking the time to make permanent changes to lifestyle…wanting to use the meal plan guide towards change…on practical lifestyle changes…Focusing on one thing at a time…identifying old habits and substituting new habits…aiming to follow the plan 80% of the time (the old 80/20 Rule)

“All big things come from small beginnings. The seed of every habit is a single, tiny decision. But as that decision is repeated, a habit sprouts and grows stronger. Roots entrench themselves and branches grow. The task of breaking a bad habit is like uprooting a powerful oak within us. And the task of building a good habit is like cultivating a delicate flower one day at a time.”

― James Clear, Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones

To lose weight at approximately +/- 1 kg (2.2 lbs.) a week…my Total Average Energy Prescription (for my Height/Bone Mass etc. is 4,500 Kj (it is still difficult thinking in metric versus imperial) 🤔

Daily Portion Distribution:

  • Carbohydrate (Starches) (4)
  • Protein (7)
  • Fat (4)
  • Fruit (1)
  • Vegetables (at least 3-5) Most vegetables are ‘free’ food items and should fill 1/2 the plate

Non diet goals is to try and exercise at mínimum 3 times a week …choosing something that I enjoy and is sustainable…

Back to learning how to navigate life all over again…the spiritual, physical, and mental without overwhelming myself in small sustainable steps…I’m not very good at that…the changing life gradually and in an integrated style…but, heah…I’ve tried everything else…and what’s the definition of insanity😂…doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results…

I have a goal…to traverse the mountain and reach the healthy goal of being at my optimum weight for me…but now I must develop the system that will take me there…

A lot of people want to lose weight (the same goal) …but the ones that achieve that goal are the ones that are consistent with their system…daily habits with small consistent improvements…the Japanese have a word for this “Kaizen”…”change for the better” or “continuous improvement”…

Today, I exercised…but only 10 minutes of yoga and 15 minutes (1 mile) of walking…that’s one system that I want to be consistent in…it makes my day so much better when I begin the morning with movement…

What system do you need to develop to meet your goal…to cross your mountain? May I suggest…read James Clear’s book or at least the summary…it’s lifechanging…or it was for me…

Lots of Love. Laughter and Magic for your day❣

Conversations…My Dragon & I

“Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.”

Charles Bukowski

Making peace with one’s self is so much easier than making war…well, maybe not easier but less bloody…Incredibly adverse to the hatred that it takes to kill something…even the thought of killing something within myself was abhorrent…

So how to reframe it all… losing weight…which is letting all the trapped trauma go…self-sabotaging…self-hatred…to lose weight without limited massive willpower… and keep it off means changing something deep within myself…so here I am taking the time to talk to my big personal dragon of self-sabotage…why does he decide to burn down every attempt to cross this mountain…

My Protector and I

It made no sense when I was so confident that this was the time… Determination was at an optimum level…I was going to conquer the mountain of weight loss come hell or high water…becoming healthier, more confident, and happier…and then I quit…BLOP…sat right now and quit…doing the same thing over and over gets exhausting…

During introspection, I realized that I had been in a situation that triggered all of my fears of being “not safe”…being “pretty” when I was younger brought attention that was dangerous and hurtful…the fear (Fear is a powerful, deeply wired reaction that is designed to keep us safe from perceived threats) of being taken advantage of again caused the “inner child” to freak out again…huge anxiety…

There are several reasons (smaller dragons) that have caused me to sabotage my weight loss…feeding worry and anxiety… a way to soothe, rewarding myself and suppressing feelings…but the biggest one is fear in all its incredible glorious form…

Recognizing it is the first step…the fear is irrational…I am in a safe place with a man that loves me for who I am… understands and is supportive of where I’m at…acknowledgement has been a good beginning…I have started talking with a therapist and we’ll see where that leads and if it is helpful…

The trauma of when I was younger apparently was horrible enough that my self-protection has blocked my memory of most of my life between the ages of 5 and 18…our brains are such beautiful… I don’t know if I even need to remember or if I ever will…and that’s ok…I have forgiven and I am no longer a victim…my focus is staying mindful and being in the moment…”sucking the juice out of every moment that I am blessed with”…

Now it is taking one step at a time…loving myself and the dragon that I live with seems to be a smart step right now…gently acknowledging the fear and learning to love myself…

Daily self-love is being gentle with myself…focusing on doing at least one productive thing per day that I can do towards my goal…living the fact that being healthy makes me less vulnerable, not more…

Helpful Book-The Mountain

This week I have been Intermittent Fasting 16/8…it’s easy and I enjoy the feeling of not being weighed down with food or worrying about what to eat…even though there are periods of hunger…I have made an appointment with my nutritionist for Friday…I will meet with her once a week for support…

Making friends with my dragon so we can learn to fly together …my dragon and I

Much love, laughter, and magic for your day❣

Tame the Dragon…

“Never judge another knight without first knowing the strength and cunning of the dragons he fights.”

Richelle E. Goodrich, Slaying Dragons: Quotes, Poetry, & a few Short Stories for Every Day of the Year

Admitting that I’m imperfect, in a world that worships perfection, is not an easy thing…you see influencers on social media and their lives look flawless…exempt from pain or any flaw…

I would think I would have it all figured out and life would be a smooth walk by now…yet there is a deep chasm between where I am and the mountain that I want to be at…day-to-day resistance…a struggle that is painful…self-sabotage at work…

The faucet of emotions has been dripping for a long time…that’s easy to handle…to sop up and hide it away somewhere…I was always fearful that if I had to release it all that it would overwhelm me, and I would suffocate under the weight of it all…

I am not angry or do I feel like a victim…I believe in the goodness of God…grateful for the life that I am so gifted with…overcoming many obstacles in my life…but I’m stuck…a deep soulful yearning for that exquisite view from the mountain top…

Yesterday I heard of an artist that committed suicide…someone who gave his whole life to helping the less fortunate here in South Africa…the question is “why”…what pain did he live with that he couldn’t bear anymore…

I have been there… sitting in my bathroom at the age of 35 and the soul pain so unbearable that I wanted to die…ripping through the fabric of my being…again and again…until it became so excruciating …so agonizing …that even 35 years later it twists the very being of who I am…wringing tears from my heart that I thought I had cried…

Now I must face the monster to get where I want to the place I have been drawn to all of my life…Oprah Winfrey said it well, when she said...”I want to fulfill the highest expression of myself as a human being (a spiritual being having an earthly experience)…I want to fulfill the promise that the creator dreamed when He dreamed the cells that made up me”…

“Ultimately, we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.” ~Marilyn Ferguson

I’ve tried to fix the problem with band aids…but I keep running smack dab into a wall…hitting bottom…living in the dark…facing buried childhood trauma is difficult…not blaming anyone…everyone does the best they can…I have forgiven…but the script that were installed as a child keeps playing…”you’re not worth anything as a female”…”you don’t deserve to be protected”…need to be erased and rewritten…not an easy task at any stage of life…

I have already come a great distance by myself and with support and love… crawling through continuing abusive relationships that reinforced the belief system that I wasn’t worthy of care and love…a friend once asked me, “if I didn’t feel that I deserved better”… and subconsciously I didn’t…always trying to prove my worth by being perfect…in literally everything…catering to every whim and desire of the people in my life…to the point I ended up with PTSD…curled up in a ball…totally and utterly exhausting…

I’ve been protected and carried even when I couldn’t walk anymore…with buried sparks of dreams that I was given before time…I thought most had been totally obliterated…I have worked hard to grow healthier and stronger…a lifelong journey of study…so I understand where I am at…it’s a final frontier…

I’ve been at the lower mountain camp for several years now…navigating the first forty pounds through sheer perseverance…then my husband’s cancer, covid and loneliness in a new country brought me to the open crevasse that is before me…

Which Danger Are You Experiencing?

I see the beauty on the other side…and freedom…freedom to just be…

A spiritual being having a human experience come trailing the breath of the ancestors yet but trailing the breath of the angels and understanding that because I am connected to the source of all that is all that is possible is possible for me”

Pierre Teilhard De Chardin French philosopher and Jesuit priest 1881 – 1955

It feels like the Valley of Death that I must walk through…the “dark night of the soul”…that miserable process where we undergo for a significant transition …

“There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were.”― Hazrat Inayat Khan

If I die trying…for it is guarded by a dragon…who if I turn my back on will devour my soul…plant a field of wild flowers for me where butterflies will forever be free….schreech…hard stop…been through too many battles…I WILL CONQUER…I will scale the mountain…and come hell or high water…I will come out on the other side…and if I can’t slay the dragon, I will tame him and ride to the top of the mountain…and plant my own damn flowers and watch the butterflies…create my own fairytale

Tame the Dragon

“They’re telling me that fairy tales are for learning how to slay dragons. But I’m telling them that I would never slay a dragon. I will mount the backs of dragons, I will fly with them. And if that doesn’t happen in fairy tales, well then, I’ll write my own.” ― C. JoyBell C.

“How to get the best of it all? One must conquer, achieve, get to the top; one must know the end to be convinced that one can win the end – to know there’s no dream that mustn’t be dared. . . Is this the summit, crowning the day? How cool and quiet! We’re not exultant; but delighted, joyful; soberly astonished. . . Have we vanquished an enemy? None but ourselves. Have we gained success? That word means nothing here. Have we won a kingdom? No. . . and yes. We have achieved an ultimate satisfaction. . . fulfilled a destiny. . . To struggle and to understand – never this last without the other; such is the law. . .” ~ George Mallory

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