I wanted to thank all the beautiful souls that have joined me on this blog site. I have loved being here with you and wish you love, joy, and magic always✨
I have not been able to properly maintain two separate blogs and have decided to merge my “Threads of Thought” writing with my main blog site beautifultapestryoflife.com. I hope that you will come and join me there on my continued journey of life …I am but one insignificant thread in this awesome patchwork of life …yet we are all bound togather …connected …my wish is to contribute with love to the weaving of a better tapestry for us all…❣
“Silence is a silent storm that breaks all our dead branches.” ~ Khalil Gibran
The silence hung low and heavy …1 hour …2 hours …3 hours …4 hours …each minute an hour …each hour a day …
Pacing in the loneliness of an empty house … I took a breath, and the coldness of the deafening quietness enveloped me …drowning in the blackness, chaos, and swirling emotions immersing me in nebulousness of a personal hell
This crazy journey of life with twists and turns…highs and lows …sometimes life becomes too much and threatens to swallow us up …each breath dizzying …
The phone finally rang, listening through worry …Tiredly, the doctor informed me that the surgery went longer than anticipated …all was well and Mr. P was in “High Care” or Intensive Care …the turbulance resided as I hung up the phone and inhaled …
Now the wait for the biopsy to reveal what all the doctors said was a 95% probability of the cancer returning …the crack, in the facade I held tightly in place no longer able to hold the torrent of tears …the pain falling faster than I could control …torrents of grief poured from my heart for all that had been, was, and might be in the future …an involuntary moan slipped through my lips as inconsolable sobs wracked my body …
“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes overwhelming. All we can do is to learn to swim.”
Vicki Harrison
As I lay in the dampness of the agony of heartbreak for the love of my life …with a life lived had come the cracks in the illusion that I had control …I was powerless …no matter what the future might bring to me …the only option was to open the day with faith to unfold the gifts given, wrapped in the magnificent love of God …opening my eyes to His grace to be able to float on the current of unfathomable grace …
Surrender to What Is …choosing to accept what is, even if what is not what we want it to be …being OK when things aren’t OK …giving ourselves to feel …doesn’t mean we crawl into it …to allow it to swallow us up …learn to explorers of our emotions …what is happening outside that is causing that uneasiness …
Surrender to the currents …surrender to the fact that we are where we need to be …it’s ok, not to be ok all the time …accept what is …let go …float on the current of the tide of time…
I floated …kicked and screamed …almost drowned …floated some more …prayed …cried …and when exhausted …I surrendered to it all …the past, present and future …
In the midst of the unbearable angst of the week, something transformed within…a mystical experience that is unexplainable to the faithless …I have lived with desolation as my constant companion … a dark hopelessness in which nothing that happened around me often seemed to matter, and everything seemed so aimless, futile, or trivial …an uncomfortable sense of failure, a pessimistic feeling that I would never find peace, joy, or happiness that I yearned to experience …a spectator to the myriad emotions of the actors in this play called life …
I have lived my life on an island …in a cage with an open door …like the wild baby elephants that are trained and so was I …at an early age I was tethered to thick, heavy, metal chains attached to a massive iron stake driven deeply into the ground …the lies that said I was not worthy …the fear of being hurt, if seen or heard …never safe …not good enough as a female …lie after lie …after lie I was bound …each abuse, a boa constrictor slowly squeezing all the life out of me …
The baby elephant grows into a massive elephant …strong, yet held with a thin rope tied to a small piece of wood …easily able to break the snugly tied rope and be free to walk away …yet it doesn’t …why? …because it spent years believing that it couldn’t …so it doesn’t
“It is not until you change your identity to match your life blueprint that you will understand why everything in the past never worked.”
Shannon L. Alder
And so it was with me …believing all the lies kept me caged and bound in an island of isolation and loneliness …the solidity of my hopes and dreams would become wisps of nothingness, as I would begin to open the door to leave …time after time during the years …there were times that I left believing that I was strong enough …and the tendrils of the lies, beliefs and fears cut into the skin of my soul and I turned to return to the safety of my cage …I knew how to live with the skeletons of lost hopes and dreams …
When I totally surrendered …something changed within…I screamed, not with frustration …but with the bloodcurdling war cry of a warrior …I am done … setting fire to the cage …burning the carcasses of past visions and aspirations …the tendrils rising in smoke …
With the smoke in my nostrils …I walked to the edge of the ledge …an old rickety wooden bridge slowly revealed itself through the midst of lost hope …spanning across the depth of the chasm that I always feared …looking like it had been there for years …ready to collapse at any moment …badly in need of repair …some slats broken or completely missing …
There was no going back …nothing to go back to and the pain of staying the same was more than even the fear of death …it was forward to live or die …gathering the last ounce of courage within me …I called to the fire of all my hidden innermost seething anger…the lost opportunities …the abuse, the controlling and manipulating …the rejection and gaslighting … a single flame darted from my soul to the first broken piece at my feet …the fire slowly gathering strength as each piece of kindling stoked the fire …growing with intensity …the heat rushing to reach the next cracked tinder plank …consuming as it licked at my feet …
The tears ran down my soot covered cheeks …leaving trails of sadness and heartbreak …slowly my legs crumbled under me at the edge of the rocky ledge …no strength left …there was nothing that remained …the inky blackness still following me …
There I sat for what felt like eons …the dark shadows in the foliage across the chasm beneath my feet waiting for the seeping of the grey sliver of daylight into my vision …arriving to grant me a few hours of a quiet heartbeat, as I waited for night to reveal itself again ..to feel again the panic that enveloped me every night listening to the sounds of things that I could not see …it had been a frightening place that never allowed for a sweet dreams …only nightmaresof the monsters that I knew were lurking …
Total exhaustion of body, soul, and spirit brought a heaviness to my eyelids that I could not control …and with the slow arrival of the night, I slipped into the oblivion of the nothingness that would sometimes envelope me with such tightness I could no longer struggle against the terrors that played with me…
The first soft sunrays caressed by cheek and rubbing my tear swollen bleary eyes …the rosy hue of the new day with the promising songs of melodic chirping greeted me …sadness still lingered in the shadows …but I could think without the sobs wracking my body …I sat taking inventory …
Nothing …nada …zilch …I balanced myself to get on my feet …touching a lumpy cloth something or other …”that’s strange” …beside me laid a tattered, threadbare, barely there knapsack …I hadn’t remembered bringing anything with me as I fled …
Sitting back down …curious as to the contents … heavier that I would have thought, it took both hands to sling the bag into my lap …tentatively unknotting the tangled and twisted string …finally gingerly opening the bag …the absolute darkness obscuring any definite image …but nothing moved …I reached in and felt the rough edges of a hardness that I had felt before …on the other side …
Gently and slowly, I took a piece of the severely edged rock and brought it to the light …it was cold in my hand, and the tendril of a fearful memory slowly started to wind its way up around my arm …creeping upward towards my heart…
Like the sun rising, a warmth flowed through the crown of my head, through my chest…a light started to glow from my heart throughout my body and as it ran through my body and down my arm that held the dark lump …the black tendrils shrank back into the blackness I held …and as I sat there holding the memory …the light reached my hand enveloping the object …as I sat there the pain of the frigid object warmed …slowly and gently morphing …in the center of my palm where the agonizing sharpness had been, now there was only a soft pile of ash that now emitted a fragrant smell …I closed my eyes to embrace the odour and feel the softness that I held …
A gentle scented breeze stirred …kissing my cheek, flowing across my open hand and like buoyant wave embracing the sand, lifted the ash into the sky…making the grains dance with happiness for the freedom that came with the liberation …It brought tears into my eyes – tears of contentment, love and pure joy
The sun was now on the horizon … slowly melting into the horizon …like an artist’s canvas …filled with the colourful strokes of the reds, yellows, and oranges spreading like the final glows of a flame …with a welcoming feeling of warmth and love …the panorama before me including the mystical soft white, pink tinged clouds …the light continued to slowly faded and with it the tranquil wonderment of the day …
The snarls and roars across the ravine beginning as the light continued to fade my anxiety and terrors of the darkness beginning to swell inside me…the coldness starting again to envelope my body and mind …tentatively I laid my head on my arm and closed my eyes …turning my leg felt the sharpness and hardness of the stones within the knapsack …and the memory of the incredible surprising day totally obliterating all other thoughts for the moments …
The morning would bring new experiences …into the unknown I would travel …difficult it would be carrying the weight of the stones …not ready to leave the only protection that I had …and my mouth quirking into a slight smile …I could always try and learn more about changing the stones into that beautiful ethereal dust that would lighten my load …and create such feelings of love and lightness …
The future could be dangerous …an unknown risk …I could not even image what lay before me …my only reference was the cold dark loneliness and horrific experiences that I had known …it could not be any worse …even death would be more acceptable and more honorable …
“A hero is somebody who voluntarily walks into the unknown.”
Tom Hanks
Silently, one by one, in the vast blackness of the night, twinkling light blossomed as I lay there on the hard earth … until the night was no longer such a scary place … each pale twinkle whispering that would be safe as they all watched over me …breathing deeply I lost myself in wonderment …
If this was all there was of my life …it was enough
Conflicted…still conflicted …but maybe less so…just a tad. Aging is a challenge for me, that keeps showing up every January 26th …to be truthful, every day that I pass a mirror and stop with surprise …wondering who that woman I see is🤣
“Every birthday is a gift. Every day is a gift.”
Aretha Franklin
The holidays are past …my guests arrived and departed this month …sick husband on the mend for a chest infection …and my own health challenges kept me from being as present here as I would have loved to have been …
Health becomes so much imperative as age demands it portion of our life …losing lean body mass (slowing down our metabolism) and bone density, if we do not make fitness a priority and a part of our daily life …
Honestly, I also ferociously deal with confronting the uncomfortableness of my aging looks …I absolutely detest the idea of being a frumpy old lady baking cookies …or sitting in a rocking chair knitting a scarf for someone …never been and never will …although that has been a hope by daughter carried for many years …
My hair has never seen more than a small sliver of grey since I saw my first one in my twenties …oh, that was a day to be rued …couldn’t change the thinning, but really cut short cuts are much cooler in the steamy hot summer months here in South Africa …no air conditioning is not a norm here and I ‘glow’ quite a bit more during the peak summer months …and that is one strange turnaround …celebrating my birthday in the freezing cold of midwestern life to a sweltering drippy humid kind of day …
Yet, I am finding that there is a relaxing to what is …microscopic but growing …and I am releasing the brittle mask that pinches and that I have held so tightly onto to try and fit into the expected societal norm …there is a gentler pace here and a more natural acceptance to life in general …when I relax and breath into the moment …shutting out the din of marketing …the unreal expectations that we see on television and all the social media outlets …
There is a quiet peace in acceptance and even a joy that bubbles up …this little ele loved blowing bubbles in his water …after all, sometimes we must create our own bubbles
“There is a fountain of youth: it is your mind, your talents, the creativity you bring to your life and the lives of people you love. When you learn to tap this source, you will truly have defeated age.”
Sophia Loren
It is difficult saying good-bye to the “good ole ‘days” …it is an emotional and difficult one …besides the loss of youthful dewy skin and unbounding energy, losses in life start to become more prevalent …learning how to accept those with loving grace is not a straightforward process for me …a best friend and confidant in the US had a stroke that she will not go home from… we sent WhatsApp messages daily updating our weight progress and pitfalls …supporting the ups and down of life …I did not feel so alone here, even though we were eight hours and 2000+ miles apart …I am still reeling with the loss …
Yet, it is a part of life the is here to stay …as friends and relatives age …I desire to make friends with loss and grieving …looking with love at the memories and love that were shared …gratitude for the life that I have lived …the scars that have healed with renewed strength … it’s time to say goodbye to the physical youth, shed some tears and then optimistically embrace our ever-evolving selves …
That is part of my evolution …gratitude and being present in the moment …living whole heartedly and with wild abandonment (but then taking a nap 😴) …I can now become the wild woman that my soul has yearned to be …embracing the opportunities that are now available …I’m not stopping, but just starting to dance in the joyful creativity that I am able to pursue …the writing (a fantasy novel carried for eons, tapping to be let out) and photography (becoming a story teller of the beautiful of our world) …
Time expands with all the technology at our fingertips …and I can accomplish in my life now what would have taken years, when I started working …Photoshop is so much cooler than cutting and pasting, messy airbrushing and retouching on a lightbox with several magnifiers …yes, I am that old …
Now it is time to continue the path to health, so my years can produce what is within my heart and mind …and I don’t travel onward to my next journey, taking with me what I was meant to share and leave here…
“Aging is an extraordinary process where you become the person you always should have been.”
David Bowie
This is dedicated to my loving Mom …who I miss every day🥰 I know that she is happier where she is …
Wishing magic and “bubbles” for your day …sent with love from a fellow traveller ❣
Preparing for my day, I stared longingly at the beautiful bottle of Elie Saab Le Parfum that sat on my dressing table …It was an exquisite Christmas gift that I received from my husband💕 …
My “fancy” perfumes, that I saved for ‘special’ occasions have tended to be Chanel or Este Lauder …I wanted something different …something that I husband enjoyed too …after searching the department store, we left disappointed …just outside the door, was a sample table of Elie Saabs perfumes …I had never heard of him before …but, why not …on the last and final try, I found the most heavenly scent …so ultra-feminine …flowery, yet woodsy …The perfume opens with notes of African orange blossom. Jasmine is in the heart, including both Grandiflorum and Sambac, whereas the base consists of cedar, patchouli and rose honey accord. (1)
I sat there wondering, “Why did I think that I should only wear it on special occasions?” …”Was not every day a miracle, a gift, something to be celebrated?” … “Was I not ‘important enough’?’ …
“I am to be loved, honored and respected solely because I exist. I am to be cherished, spoiled, celebrated because I Am! I was made to be admired. I am a beloved child of God after all.”
I sat there musing …light bulb eventually going off🛎…I have lived with a scarcity mindset, for as long as I can remember …not having enough to eat or having to wear hand-me-down clothes as a child …then after the divorce, struggling just to make ends meet … also, one of the factors to why I sabotage myself in building the healthy habit of cutting out the processed foods … giving up the ‘things that I want and crave’ …
The scarcity mindset overshadows so many parts of my life …not just with food …the emotional deprivation of feeling loved or important created also birthing a “deprivation mindset.” …always expecting the people, I loved to let me down …obsessing about love, food, and money …my brain always in alert mode, to being deprived of those same things …mentally fatigued …hyper focused …anxiety-ridden 24/7
This anxiety of ‘not having enough’ totally interferes with my motivation with eating for nutrition and well-being …making me more vulnerable to temptation …”after all, it might be the last time that I get to eat this food” …how illogical is that? … It has been a subconscious tape running in the background of my mind …and the ‘rut’ is deep …so, what to do to make this path less bumpy? …
What I kept finding, while researching the answer …the No.1 answer across the board was “gratitude” (2)…I am recognizing when the thoughts arise and rewiring …to create an ‘abundance’ mindset …when I review my life, I have always been provided for …there is always ‘enough’ …forgetting that God “owns the cattle on a thousand hills” and I am His child …
Appreciation for what ‘is’ …for the ‘creative aspect of the universe (I call Him ‘God’) …opening myself to the light of love that is available …to living in the moment …being mindful of the delight in focusing on each breath, in savouring a moment, in giving back, and in the feeling of the afternoon breeze on your cheek …mindful gratitude …
My ADHD brain always loves to run away with me …like the dog that finds the gate open …it’s goooone🤣 …meditation and breath work, has been great for reining it back in to the present moment in time …there are so many breathing techniques that it has taken me awhile to find one that feels ‘right’ for me …
Box Breathing is quickly learned and easy to remember, sometimes called the Four-square technique (3), slowly inhaling for the count of four, hold for four, exhaling for the count of four, hold for four…and repeat
My brain cannot focus on anything else, when I am concentrating on the process of breathing, it brings me back to the present …great for when I get anxious …”The slow holding of breath allows CO2 to build up in the blood. An increased blood CO2 enhances the cardio-inhibitory response of the vagus nerve when you exhale and stimulates your parasympathetic system. This produces a calm and relaxed feeling in the mind and body.“(3) …
EFT Tapping is another beneficial technique for mind and body regulation…tapping with the fingertips on meridian points, our energy points (the same points that acupuncturists use) …“During a tapping session, the participant focuses on an undesirable emotion, such as a stressful situation, specific fear or bad memory. While maintaining focus on the concern, the participant uses their fingertips to tap on each of the body’s nine meridian points. Specific phrases are repeated during the session to maintain the focus on the issue at hand. Tapping on the meridian points while concentrating on accepting the negative emotion or concern helps re-balance the body’s energy.” (4) …the beginning acceptance and acknowledgment of the problem to be addressed was satisfying to me …something like “Even though I [insert your issue or fear here], I accept myself and my feelings.” (5) …Breathing techniques are the quicker “whoa” for me …
Wearing the perfume and the sparkly sandals …why not?
So, I dabbed on the perfume … slipped my feet into my pink sparkly sandals and started the day …feeling like it was going to be a really good day …a most excellent day, in fact ...
Peace, love, and happiness for each moment of 2023 …with a sprinkling of magic ❣ …
Mountains are often used as metaphors of challenges that feel insurmountable and impossible to scale, as we stand at the bottom viewing the craggy and jagged edges, piecing the sky … cloaked with an insidious mist clutching, hiding the prize that we seek …
The mountain is not so much outside of myself, it is the ‘old ‘self within …the fears, the traumas, the coping mechanisms that became my tools of survival …the bedrock of my life …an obstruction that keeps me from the healthy life that I want to live …
I must become the heroine of my story. Mastering myself and in the doing, mastering the mountain that has loomed over the landscape of my life for what seems like a millennium …
The last couple of weeks have been a fascinating learning journey…after two months of one of an extremely stressful periods in my life …I felt like a failure for not being able to accomplish the desired result that I had dreamed of …I sat there staring at all the little broken in pieces of my heart …
The very day that I came back home …another punch in the gut with news that was life altering …so I just sat and cried, and cried some more …everything within me shattered …then I surrendered …there was nothing that I could do the change the outcomes …Logically, I know that as humans, we do not have control over some of life’s bumps …but I have lived a great deal of my life with the uncontrollable need to try to control situations and people in my sphere …out of the fear of lost, being alone without the capability to survive …
A stressful situation has always triggered anxiety and fear that sweet and Carby foods were able to sooth in the moment …the challenge of becoming healthier now at 60+ has many additional facets that have needed to be addressed …most so neurologically engrained that stepping out of the grooved ruts to build new pathways seemed most difficult, if not impossible …
My being stubborn does have its advantages sometimes …I have dreams and goals that have not dissipated into the midst of the grey hopelessness and depression that often surrounds me, causing me to fall off the mountain so many times … they keep tapping me on the shoulder …’you can’t give up,’ …’you have things to create,’ “people to love” …my obstinacy would raise its head and with bloody nose, broken bones, bruised knees (and my angel’s help) I would get up …to try one more time …
There are few obstacles in life that will not succumb to consistent, sustained, intelligent, positive action. When you are discouraged after you’ve failed at something, remember Edison’s 10,000 failures before he arrived at the solution that forever changed the world ~Napolean Hill
I sat several days with the breath knocked out of me …surrounded by all the broken pieces …sitting there, trying to get my breath back …I kept telling myself “breath in, breathe out,” “breath in, breath out” as I viewed each broken piece that glittered in the South African sun …strange creative thoughts arriving of what a beautiful mosaic they would make …I picked up a piece and gratitude filled my heart as I viewed the memory of that piece of myself …
I cannot tell you what magic occurred during the last two weeks …but the mountain disappeared, and a previously unseen path materialized in front of me …as I relinquished my control over what was and will be …opened my heart with gratitude for the wonder and gifts of each moment …
The path, my broken heart opened, will not be without perils, obstacles, and challenges …for that is what we call “life” …I have gathered all the broken pieces and carry them all close to my heart, in a bag embroidered with a heart❤ with gratitude…I am slowing down, taking one step at a time …embracing each moment with graciousness and peaceful thankfulness of the present moment …finding the way to my destination with less fear and apprehension …
Each extra unhealthy pound that I carry holds an old emotion, hurt, or trauma that I pushed down …to be released, I must hold them to the light of love …until they are transformed and released …the journey is one that may be arduous and painful at times …but less so, than the previous ones of scaling the mirage of that unscalable mountain that I viewed through all the years of listening to the ‘diet industry’ …
“The difference between a path and a road is not only the obvious one. A path is little more than a habit that comes with knowledge of a place. It is a sort of ritual of familiarity. As a form, it is a form of contact with a known landscape. It is not destructive. It is the perfect adaptation, through experience and familiarity, of movement to place; it obeys the natural contours; such obstacles as it meets it goes around.”
Still maintaining the habits that assist me on the path, such as intermittent fasting, low intake of carbs, and less stress in my life …I had lost almost 5 pounds …Christmas Eve with my South African family and Christmas Day were bumps …a charming Christmas Eve dinner with family and a tearful ‘missing’ the traditional Christmas that I observed in the USA with my kids and family …
“Light is to darkness what love is to fear; in the presence of one the other disappears.” – Marianne Williamson
My Christmas gift to you is shining the light of love, sharing the knowledge that you are not alone in the darkness of your struggles in the tempetuous and wild storms of life …you are loved beyond your imagination …love yourself …hold yourself tight …the magic will appear …hold on my dear one❣
What???????? No magic spell to cure ADHD and erase all the distractibility, and impulsivity that it drags along with this neurodevelopmental disorder. No wizardry that will ease the additional challenges that ADHD brings to the task of losing weight …
Self-regulation mechanisms – the deficits of self-regulation of attention, self-regulation of emotion, and the short-term memory are demons that I have struggled with …although now they are no longer phantom ghosts, I must now come to an acceptance of their reality for me, and find ways to banish them or at least keep them at bay …
They are like the sirens of old …singing the enticing music of beckoning carbohydrates …wrong signals about what is ‘right’ …the same deficit of impulse control that causes me to struggle with in interrupting conversations, making it more challenging to not respond to stress by stuffing myself with that wonderful dopamine feeling that is released with the sugary carby food that I crave in that moment …
I have hated myself for years …because I ‘knew’ what I needed to do …and sometimes for periods of time, I might have been able to contain the overwhelming desires …mostly through sheer willpower and situations that were supportive unbeknownst to me …but then the virtuoso’s that played the music in my brain, regained control …
I had come to have no faith or believe in myself …hate and self-loathing created such havoc …seas of despair ravaged my shores for decades …understanding the arduous tasks that must jealously guarded, give me the advantage of envisioning a possibility of reaching the shore of a healthy life…aka my the mountain top …so microscopic, yet it is there… but then I have lived my life in the embers of hope …my angels working overtime to keep the small fire burning in the midst of the gales of hopelessness that constantly blew across the landscape of my mind …
I have not come to terms with the diagnosis fully …I do not yet see the blessing or the positive aspects of having a non-neurotypical brain …it will take time to learn to love myself …A misogynistic father, a restrictive controlling cult and all my life challenges did not serve to plant the seed of self-love …I am not a victim to that anymore, and I will overcome this challenge, as I have others …
🤔 I have started researching the best way forward from where I am currently standing …just general scientific knowledge has shown the direct correlation between the fuel we put into our bodies and how the engine (brain) functions …the incorrect or substandard (Western type diet) will cause the circuits to misfire …
There are important ‘rules’ for me that I have found by testing and searching for the magic bullet with weight loss, which assist with my mental health …
Avoiding artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives in processed foods
Eliminating refined sugars. Who is surprised with that one😂The annoying refined sugar bugs impair brain function and really exacerbates my mood disorders …
Take Magnesium, B6, Vitamin D and Omega 3 (are helpful to me)
Morning Exercise. 30 minutes of an aerobic exercise that increases the dopamine to get me going in the right direction
IF 16 hours (intermittent Fasting). I don’t have to worry about what to eat or when to eat. I do always need to be mindful, to eat after that, because if I get too hungry, all impulse control goes out the window.
Support to keep me focused and on track. I recently enlisted a new trainer that is super supportive and understands where I am at …is gentle, yet still pushes me to go the distance. Being responsible to someone, other than my husband, is also a a supplement to the process
My ADHD medicine is necessary, along with support of a therapist that understands the struggle …
I had the ‘please, let me just die’ flu last week, so that did help with beginning the process of changing my eating. This week, I am focusing on creating exercise habits …it is more sustainable for me to start one habit at a time …
Routine is my secret weapon, it assists me with a sense of the time of day, as well as the day of the week, not to mention my goals and priorities. I don’t need to stress about what I need to do, when I need to do it …as much as I detest routines being a free-spirited Aquarian, it does increase my ability to cope and stay on my meandering path … And not every day lends itself to following the routine to the dots and tittles …but it is a skeleton that is flexible … perfection being unattainable, 80/20 is a lifesaving rule
Monday. Weight-In. 30 minutes 8am exercise. IF Fasting till 12
Tuesday. Gym Training 1:30 pm. IF Fasting till 12
Wednesday. 30 minutes 8am. IF Fasting till 12
Thursday is 8am exercise. IF Fasting till 12
Friday. Gym Training 1:30. IF Fasting till 12
Saturday. 30 minutes 8am exercise. IF Fasting till 12
Sunday is my ‘Rest’ Day…Breakfast and a fun day with my husband💕
There are additional changes that are in the wings …for flexibility and strength training …the trainer suggested swimming exercises classes at the gym and a ‘gentle yoga’ class …currently it sounds overwhelming … yet I only need take one day at a time…
Today, Friday is my second gym day …doesn’t sound like much of an accomplishment …but a rung in the ladder …a step ‘at a time’ on this long trek toward the top of the mountain … with courage I am taking each day slowly and with a deliberate focus …as much as possible with an ADHD brain 😂
“Courage wasn’t a matter of taking the whole mountain in a single massive leap. Courage was taking it one step at a time, doing what was necessary now, preparing for the next step, and refusing to worry about whether some step in the future would be the one that would break him.”
– Timothy Zahn, ‘Star Wars’.
I am documenting this journey with ADHD and weight loss at the awesome age of 60+, so if there is anyone that feels hopeless and lost in the gloomy obscurity of life…I leave a little of myself to shine✨ in the mire of despondency that we all feel burdened with at times …
“Don’t feel alone, because there is always someone out there who loves you more than you can imagine.” – Anurag Prakash Ray.
Sending love for your day … love is the magic that creates possibilities where there appears only an abyss of nothingness …Although you may not know me, and I may not have seen you in this physical world …I know you are there, and I walk beside you …may these words wrap a warmth and comforting blanket around your heart …💌
When I started writing about my “climb up the mountain” of weight loss…there was nowhere in my wildest and crazy thought processes that I could envision where it would take me on my soul’s journey…
“Don’t hoard the past. Don’t cherish anything. Burn it. The artist is the phoenix who burns to emerge.” – Janet Fitch.
This segment of the path is not completed…yet, I have come further than I would have imagined in a short about of time…
Tears have fallen like a molten lead flame…rising from a broken heart…sliding from beneath my eyelids…the soul rendering grief as I whimpered…sobbed convulsively…moaned…and cried seemingly endless tears…the agony of grieving hurts like hell as the saltwater of tears burns through the wounds… burning past chapters of my life…some I have saved and hold tight within my memories…most I am burning and letting go…“Even a spineless arthropod sheds what’s no longer useful and leaves it behind them. Are you not greater than they?” ― Jason Versey
“Darling, you’re not falling apart. You’re getting rid of the pieces that no longer serve your purpose, this is a surgery of the spirit, and it can be painful as hell.”
Kalen Dion.
Excess weight has been a survival mechanism that I needed…and I find myself still “eating” as a means of grounding myself when the world “feels” overwhelming…why?
Being an empath is difficult and has often felt like a curse, more than a blessing…how do I explain what an empath is…it has become a more commonly accepted way of being…so much that neuroscientists and psychologists now accept and use the term…
“The term ‘Empath’ has become popular in recent years, often used to describe someone with a higher-than-normal degree of empathy. Empaths absorb others’ energy to the point where they feel like an ‘emotional sponge’. They do not have the filters most people do, and they seem to feel other people’s stress and feelings in their own bodies”https://eggshelltherapy.com/empath/
Probably brought on due to the trauma of my childhood wounding and “growing-up” years…it became a survival mechanism that I needed to have to tune in to how my narcissistic parent (which is also caused by his own childhood wound) was feeling so I could do what I needed to be “safe”… Being empathic makes it easier to notice other people’s emotions, thoughts, and feelings
I didn’t understand what was happening and as life progressed and I continued to draw narcissistic people into my life…the emotional load became too much…I always felt overwhelmed and not grounded in my own body….the food that I have craved…are heavier vibrationally dense…foods and drinks that are processed and lost all of their natural energy…alcohol, caffeine, dairy products, GMO foods like corn or soy, soft drinks, beverages with added sugar, wheat and products containing gluten, unhealthy fats and oils…the added weight adding an additional benefit …serving also as an added blanket of protection…both physically and emotionally…
“Highly sensitive people are too often perceived as weaklings or damaged goods. To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate. It is not the empath who is broken, it is society that has become dysfunctional and emotionally disabled. There is no shame in expressing your authentic feelings. Those who are at times described as being a ‘hot mess’ or having ‘too many issues’ are the very fabric of what keeps the dream alive for a more caring, humane world. Never be ashamed to let your tears shine a light in this world.” ― Anthon St. Maarten
So, what’s next on this journey…definitely continued healing…releasing the outdated offensive energy blocks (the pain and hurt) that I carried for years…and filling those empty spaces with more love…learning how to serve as an empath without losing my own identity…it is a process that I must be patient with and love myself through…
I had my first meeting with a psychologist last week to help guide me in this continuing expedition up the mountain…the first meeting was more about mapping out the journey of my life up until now …I was blessed to connect to the right one for me…her suggested reading was The Source written by a South African Tara Swart…“a neuroscientist and MIT lecturer that shows how science supports the Law of Attraction as a tool for discovering the authentic self”…
How synchronicitous is that…it is a rather exciting process for me…like the cage doors are opening and I can finally be free…do you have any idea of what even the thought of freedom means for the Aquarian freedom loving person🤣…like air…necessary
I haven’t lost any weight yet …but it really is ok…I will as I learn new skills to cope…and I know that my optimum weight is about 130…I have so many exciting things to look forward to…and losing the weight is just a fraction of the blessings that I am in anticipation of…
I choose to share the journey to be brave and bold …to view my scars is to know you are not alone …much love, joy, and magic for your day❣
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.”
When I started writing about my weight loss journey…little did I know that it would take me through this dark journey…and never would have thought about sharing…but I do so in the hope that it may be a guiding star in someone else’s darkness…
I cry almost every day, right now …and often feel like I have no skin and my innermost being is raw … screaming internally with every breath of air…irrationally I am not depressed…I know that there is an end…this is only the beginning to a beautiful ending …this is the beauty of the darkness
When you feel like you need to cry, when you want to just get it out, relieve some of the pressure from the inside – that is true pain. Because no matter how hard you try or how bad you want to, you can’t. That pain just stays in place. Then, if you are lucky, one small tear may escape from those eyes that water constantly. That one tear, that tiny, salty, droplet of moisture is a means of escape. Although it’s just a small tear, it is the heaviest thing in the world.
Chase Brooks
The analogy that comes to mind is the treatment needed for third degree burns …my past traumas caused damage to the very depth of my being …I hadn’t realized the severity …I numbed the pain to survive…the best way I could …anaesthetizing the deep inner wounding and brokenness in whatever way I could manage… now the scar tissue must be scrubbed clean …and it hurts like the dickens …
Instinctively I knew that this healing would be painful …I humbly submitted to God that I would walk the path …it is my “valley of death” that I am walking through …not to live in or die here …but to walk through …releasing the infectious thoughts and beliefs that have kept me small and hidden (out of fear) …definitely, “It would be easier to keep playing life without being whole …it is done all the time …but that is not what I choose …
My first session with the a registered clinical psychologist and pastoral therapist is still about 10 days away …I am responsible for my own life and have been experimenting with spiritual practices to find what works for me …EFT tapping helps with anxiety …many people swear by its weight loss attributes … I haven’t gone that far with it yet definitely helps in several ways for me…
“We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience”
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
EFT Tapping has been used successfully in PTSD survivors … a lot like acupuncture without the needles …EFT uses fingertip tapping to apply pressure to the meridian points …points in our body which the Chinese believe that our energy flows through …
There are several steps …but the one that spoke to me first was the “setup phrase”… a common setup phrase is: “Even though I have this [fear or problem], I deeply and completely accept myself.” …affirmations are about what we want to become … not acknowledging where we are and loving ourselves in spite of those imperfections …
So much of my issues stem from not knowing how to love myself …something I never learned as a child to do …that statement I deeply and completely accept myself” along is very healing …self-acceptance even when I am not that “perfect” version of myself I feel I need to be to be accepted and loved …EFT tapping has worked for me in shorting the overload of anxiety when I use it …
Learning to heal the inner child …is my biggest challenge …. “adulting” is not something I really learned to do well …I had no role models …and my parents were unable to provide the knowledge I needed to navigate the world due to their own traumas …and being kept secluded in the cult” gave me no other options to come across any …
“When our emotional health is in a bad state, so is our level of self-esteem. We have to slow down and deal with what is troubling us, so that we can enjoy the simple joy of being happy and at peace with ourselves.” ― Jess C. Scott
Today I completed a YouTube Video Yoga for trauma healing …a gentle yoga not focused on hard poses to master …a way to safely connect with my body …slowly starting to release the lower vibrational energy that I have stored in my body …helpfully liberating tension
That is how I view the extra weight that I carry with me …a lower vibrational energy that I stored with every bite of food that I used to stuff anger, hurt, fear and all the other negative emotions and feelings that food helped me to manage in a more societal acceptable way …
“The fact is, all of us are living with the invisible wounds of some kind of war. Yoga helps you to let go of the things that don’t serve you anymore.” Dan Nevins, yoga ambassador and US Army veteran
Tomorrow will be a new day …new hope …a gift to be opened with grace and gratefulness …this is not the end, only the beginning…there is a reason that I wear a butterfly tattoo🦋
Across the miles ..I send you love…with prayers for all the laughter and magic you can hold❣
“Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.”
Charles Bukowski
Making peace with one’s self is so much easier than making war…well, maybe not easier but less bloody…Incredibly adverse to the hatred that it takes to kill something…even the thought of killing something within myself was abhorrent…
So how to reframe it all… losing weight…which is letting all the trapped trauma go…self-sabotaging…self-hatred…to lose weight without limited massive willpower… and keep it off means changing something deep within myself…so here I am taking the time to talk to my big personal dragon of self-sabotage…why does he decide to burn down every attempt to cross this mountain…
My Protector and I
It made no sense when I was so confident that this was the time… Determination was at an optimum level…I was going to conquer the mountain of weight loss come hell or high water…becoming healthier, more confident, and happier…and then I quit…BLOP…sat right now and quit…doing the same thing over and over gets exhausting…
During introspection, I realized that I had been in a situation that triggered all of my fears of being “not safe”…being “pretty” when I was younger brought attention that was dangerous and hurtful…the fear (Fear is a powerful, deeply wired reaction that is designed to keep us safe from perceived threats) of being taken advantage of again caused the “inner child” to freak out again…huge anxiety…
There are several reasons (smaller dragons) that have caused me to sabotage my weight loss…feeding worry and anxiety… a way to soothe, rewarding myself and suppressing feelings…but the biggest one is fear in all its incredible glorious form…
Recognizing it is the first step…the fear is irrational…I am in a safe place with a man that loves me for who I am… understands and is supportive of where I’m at…acknowledgement has been a good beginning…I have started talking with a therapist and we’ll see where that leads and if it is helpful…
The trauma of when I was younger apparently was horrible enough that my self-protection has blocked my memory of most of my life between the ages of 5 and 18…our brains are such beautiful… I don’t know if I even need to remember or if I ever will…and that’s ok…I have forgiven and I am no longer a victim…my focus is staying mindful and being in the moment…”sucking the juice out of every moment that I am blessed with”…
Now it is taking one step at a time…loving myself and the dragon that I live with seems to be a smart step right now…gently acknowledging the fear and learning to love myself…
Daily self-love is being gentle with myself…focusing on doing at least one productive thing per day that I can do towards my goal…living the fact that being healthy makes me less vulnerable, not more…
Helpful Book-The Mountain
This week I have been Intermittent Fasting 16/8…it’s easy and I enjoy the feeling of not being weighed down with food or worrying about what to eat…even though there are periods of hunger…I have made an appointment with my nutritionist for Friday…I will meet with her once a week for support…
Making friends with my dragon so we can learn to fly together …my dragon and I
I recently wrote this blog post on my beautifultapestryoflife site…and I thought I would republish it with added updates for my countdown for weight loss…127 days
The weight loss goal seems more elusive than even this way out photography (career/life) goal…I am having a momentary pity part..but a massive one…I did well for two weeks my lose of 3 pounds after coming back from vacay…
I thought I’d get smart and fine tune the program and cut-out all wheat and sugar…more keto than low carb…and my body just doesn’t appreciate the extra fat in my lifestyle…my Resting heart rate increased drastically over the last week…till it has gotten to what it was 3 years ago…even Mr. P mentioned that my body seems extra sensitive to what I eat…
Pity Party Over😉
Sometimes being stubborn can be useful if channeled in the right direction…there are so many reasons to accomplish the goal of losing the weight…one is that I will need the ability to be healthy and move effortlessly to accomplish being a master photographer…laying flat on the ground to take a photo and getting up gracefully is not an easy feat when you carry extra pounds beside the camera equipment…
There are some that might say…you’re getting older…just relax…I can’t, and I won’t…there’s still so much I want to see and do…life has only begun for me at retirement…every cell in my body yearns to be set free…
So now what???????? I can only reset and go back to doing what works and be patient…low carb, exercise, and counting calories…no shortcuts or listening to what Facebook…Instagram or any other social media outlet has to suggest…only my body can tell me what is right for me…and I need to listen…there are no shortcuts in life…I always get lost when I take a side road with a sign that reads “Shortcut –Weightloss and Sweatless Quickie“…no more detours…no more side roads…
You can beat the grind…life knows how much you invested, and it doesn’t give us the mountain tops without the sweat equity…whether mental and/or physical…
Master Photographer Blog continued…
“If you want to be happy, set a goal that commands your thoughts, liberates your energy and inspires your hopes.”
—Andrew Carnegie
How do YOU define success…which achievements would make you sing with joy…it is as different for every person as there are stars in the sky…? what goals do you want to really go for with all your being …it may change with time and need to be changed…that’s where I am at… redefining and refining my vision of what “success” means to me during this new chapter of life…what audacious goal should I set my sights on…
THEWHAT: The primary kickstart for goals…what knockdown…knockout personal achievement would make you feel like you made it to the top…
This is mine Ultimate Goal – Honours Laureate Gold
Currently after 1 year…I have accumulated 28 from entering the monthly …needing 40 club points to move to a three-star rating…
Goals map out where you want to land…but they can be ambiguous and you may never achieve your desired end result…Yogi Berra said, “If you don’t know where you’re going, you’re going to end up somewhere else…” I’ve been there before when I’ve set goals and then never achieved them…
What is your story, why do you do what you do?
What keeps you awake at night?
What inspired you to pursue your business?
What makes your heart race?
What was the moment that changed your life as you know it?
What’s been the biggest challenge for you on your photography journey?
What lights you up…Going “niche” makes you stand out…which reduces your competition… increases your visibility…stokes your creative fire…and hones your expertise…remember the old saying “jack of all trades and master of none”…
I’ve tried various niches…street, night, nature, portrait, wedding, black & white, boudoir, macro, candid, landscape, wildlife…some I lose all track of time…I find myself getting lost in creating the magic in nature and wildlife…adding artistic and creative techniques that help tell a story…yet still in the process of defining my own visual and artistic style…
Before & After – My “style” in progress
Always take time to play…“All work and no play doesn’t just make Jill and Jack dull, it kills the potential of discovery, mastery, and openness to change and flexibility and it hinders innovation and invention.” – Joline Godfrey
What are your fantastic magical goals…shoot for the moon🌙…my darlings…you have nothing to fear…at the very worst you’ll fall among the twinkling laughter of the stars…love, laughter and magic
Threads of Thought 