“This is not a sweet skein of thought. Unthread it, Rachel.”
― Emma Richler, Be My Wolff
Just when I think it is all coming along just beautifully…I come across a black dangley and raggedy thread that is so distracting that I can’t see anything else…an ugly thread in my life that seems to threaten everything and especially the happiness…
…and it is just not me that can see this black repulsive thread…for most of us do not live in seclusion…and the threads that run through our lives also are integrated into the life weaving’s of the people who are often the most near and loved by us…
I cannot wave my magic wand and remove this thread from my life…it is part of the very core tapestry of my life…woven strong…and deep…That thing that deforms my beautiful life? It really, really, really shouldn’t have happened. But. It. Did…now I can choose to stop weaving with that particular piece of thread…
…the first prick of the needle…and the next…creating this insidious and unbeautiful…far reaching consequences…across a lifespan…my lifespan…
…I didn’t see it as black…just this ugly gray shade of green…labeled jealousy…this beguiling… treacherous and ever eroding emotion…
Mr. P’s daughter came to stay with us for an extended period of time…something that I didn’t envision having to deal with so early in our relationship…and oh my…was I definitely not prepared to feel so much of an upheaval…
Our relationship…although not perfect…like the two people involved…was such a beautiful thing…my life had been so idyllic the last few months…each day a little better than the last…as we enjoyed our time together…
I was prepared to do the best I could…to be as loving and supportive…to slowly draw her in with gentleness and care…to be as accepting of his children as I want him to be with mine…
Uggg…and then…Life decided that I should have another pop quiz…without even a whisper of warning… and the thread starting popping out and I kept tripping over it…I would tuck it in…and it would pop out again…
What made me so jealous…everything…Mr. P is a caring and loving Father…and all the ways that he treats her is not anything that I ever experienced…and then I remembered…my Father was abusive mentally and physically…and that is just the little that I remember…
I thought that I had it all tucked away…clean and neat…having forgiven him and moved on…but the thread of pain and hurt popped up in way that I could not have predicted…
“Some old wounds never truly heal, and bleed again at the slightest word.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones
…when I was a young teenager…about 12 or 13…my Father decided that he needed to physically punish me…not for anything that I had done…but to remove “his” demons…my worth was only to be used for his twisted needs…not because I was loved just for who I was…and the blood drips…
Mr. P’s deep love, care and connection with his daughter…felt like a dagger into the very depth of my soul…but I was not seeing it for what it was…manifesting itself as the monster…
Being aware is for me is the beginning…releasing…again…and again…the pain of a lost childhood…no loving Father…there is no quick and easy answer…every day demands meditative prayer and gratitude …
Even though it brings with it pain…I am thankful for having been able to see it within myself…for it could have easily destroyed the new and fragile love that is being cultivated…I can now feel and not become reactive to those emotions…and I will heal…
Dormant buds survive wildfires to Emerge Once Again
I will sit with the fire of pain…knowing that I will come out stronger and I too will bloom again…
Threads of Thought 