Should I Just Give In…and Up

Daily tripping over myself and rolling down this steep mountain…over bruising rocks and broken twigs poking holes and leaving long bleeding scratches in the skin of my soul and spirit… continuing fighting for a goal, that appears unattainable, every single day seems counterintuitive …so when is it pure foolish dogged grit and when is it time to let something go…

Photo by Sander Sammy on Unsplash

Is being a healthy weight at 66…almost 67…an unhealthy obsession? …I have fought with my weight issues for most of my life …starting with the dissolution of my first marriage …gaining weight as I stuffed emotions of every kind … feeling that I wasn’t worth loving …I was inadequate as a woman (my own Father pounded that in…I wasn’t a good enough woman to keep my husband from cheating …I had no skills to combat all the despair and depression …wanting to just to die because of the incredible pain that enveloped me every moment of every breath…

…I digress …this writing is not about delving into the situations that occured to cause emotional overeating …and more about where I go from here …I wanted so much to make this the “last” and final time to try and get healthy …I live with a vision of being healthy and fit …just sliding into a dress and not worrying about which lump or bump that might show …of being able to get up of the ground when I want to take a photograph from an inspiring creative angle… taking hikes with my Mr. P …and on and on …the desire is there

Thirty years of “dieting” hasn’t worked …there is always a stressful situation that arrives knocking on the door …that is the siren’s call of fatty, sugary, and carby beckons ….bringing all the comforting numbing and pleasure of earthly fare (however fleeting) whispers …you know …the legal substance to anaesthetize overwhelming emotional pain …

When I first arrived here in South Africa in 2019 …I weighed the heaviest that I had ever been in my life …and with support I lost 50 pounds …it was such an incredible feeling …it wasn’t easy …but walking, exercising, and low carb eating it came off without too much pain …although the first month my body ached every day as I started moving after about 3 years of dealing with PTSD and just surviving day to day …so, it is possible …

Then life smacked us all ridiculously hard with Covid lock-down …here, we couldn’t even leave the house for walking for a fleeting period of time …then my knight was diagnosed with colon cancer and the next year, and a half consisted of an overload of every conceivable emotion and anxiety that one deals with in this situation…topped with being alone in a new and unknown country with a new partnership …needless to say, that knocked me off the healthy lifestyle that I had developed …falling back to my lifelong coping mechanisms …

I have never fully recovered …and although I didn’t lose all the ground, I had gained with my endeavors …I am now in another challenging situation that is continuing to sabotage the loss that I had …and I am concerned …currently losing ground rapidly

So …should I just let go … and just say, “f*** it all” and just live the shortened life that I will have (if I give up) …

There are days that it feels that it might be such a relief to just float into oblivion of not caring anymore …

Yet …there springs the smallest flicker of hope that I can still beat this …so tired of fighting …is there another way to find peace and health at the same time …the paths that I was walked before …definitely didn’t lead me to the place that I wanted …just more frustration of failing one more time …belief in myself dissipating …

The situation is not going to change for a little while …it is a situation that I am caring for a young girl who is hanging on for her own life …I won’t abandon her when her loneliness and despair …I know too well her journey … her heart is beautiful and shines through …

So now what …unfortunately or fortunately …I have never been able to give up on something that is important to who I as a person …I still want a life filled with joy and happiness and the longer I ride this planet …the more glimpses of that magical joy I can stuff into my pockets of memories to warm me when life is cold and the blustery winds curl their tendrils around me …intent on pulling off the cloak of my peace …

The process has to be different than that the greedy businesses of weight loss tries to sell us …the pied pipers of the perfect body …companies that “peddle fad weight-loss products.” to line their pockets with the hopes and dreams of people believing the lies that are spun …

I know that there are no easy fixes …no quick diet …I do not have enough fingers and toes to count the times that I’ve believed and spend my blood and sweaty tears for a new hope filled scheme …

It’s only a long term…exercise and calorie deficit lifestyle …living life …80/20 and not perfection that laughs in my face with the impossibility …I have a meeting with a trainer that I meet with last week …not for losing weight specifically …but to increase those sly muscle tissues that keep disappearing somewhere in the wild blue wonder as I age …and the flexibility that would support less chance of injury ….yada…yada …yada…things we all know are important for a better life as we age …

Bottom line …I just want to feel a whole lot better than I do currently …and the rocking chair doesn’t entice me at all …is it too late …I don’t think so …as long as I have breath, it is not too late …more difficult, but possible …

I had tried a trainer last year …but it wasn’t the right fit …he was a buff guy that just knew how to do that …”buff up” …not a long-term, slow healthy journey…a sustainable lifestyle for the rest of my life …a lifestyle that supports the attainment of my goals and dreams that I still carry tucked away in the deepest dark corners of my mind from the prying and grubby hands of those that say, that I must release them and let them go …you’re too old …

I have worked really Damm hard to get this far in life …to survive … maybe not thrive as well as I would have liked …but I survived and that is a victory that I can celebrate …and I am not too old to be what I want to be or at least enjoy the journey …

So I am putting on my “big girl panties” …and go to work …one more time …”I can do all things through Him who empowers me” …maybe pure foolishness …but often in history, what the world saw as foolishness became a greatness that enhanced the life of others …

Sending so much love, laughter, and magic for your life ❣…

Here’s Looking At You 😁 from Penelope

Vroom.. Vroom

Like a souped-up car at the starting lineup of an illicit street race…a little more battered and poorly maintained than most of the participants in the contest of losing weight…but here I am…gunning my engine…

Ok…it’s more like turtling along …a nostalgic cruising with the oldies…

It took me awhile to get to the starting lineup this time…keep making a wrong turn…getting caught in dead ends or facing a brick wall…needing to back up, turn around and try another route…my map was quite out of date apparently…

Here is the map that I am using to find the that I am seeking…a healthy mental and physical body that I feel confident in and my added desired benefit… An age-appropriate black dress sexy …

SMART GOALS

Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound.

Why? Why is this important to me …especially when some people in retirement are ready for the sideline rocking chair…Because I AM NOT…I just found my Prince and want to spend as much quality time exploring life with him…being an example to my granddaughters…being able to pursue my passion of photography (getting flat on the ground to take unique perspectives with my camera is easier with a healthy and flexible body)…each pound lost removes 4 pounds of pressure off my poor grumpy back…and knees…and most importantly…brain health “a person’s weight goes up, all regions of the brain go down in activity and blood flow” …”This study shows that being overweight or obese seriously impacts brain activity and increases the risk for Alzheimer’s disease as well as many other psychiatric and cognitive conditions,”

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2020/08/200805110127.htm#:~:text=on%20brain%20function-,Higher%20BMI%20is%20linked%20to%20decreased%20cerebral%20blood%20flow%2C%20which,Alzheimer’s%20disease%20and%20mental%20illness&text=Summary%3A,a%20new%20brain%20imaging

I had been on anti-depressants for a period for time when I was faced with dealing with my husband’s cancer surgery and chemotherapy during Covid in a new country…slowly coming off took about 4 months… and this week I am back to feeling like myself…the good, bad, and ugly😁

Found that EFT really is a great support for releasing anxiety that causes emotional eating and the need for wrapping myself up in a blanket of fluff…meditation was a great start…but this seems to be a better fit for me and this sensitivity that I have been blessed with (HSP/INFJ)…

Be Consistent with Logging and Exercising for 146 days (20 weeks)…that’s when we’ll be flying into the USA after being gone for 3+ years…I don’t want to put a specific weight because I do not know exactly how quickly my body is willing to release the curvaceous aspects of itself…

“Do it again and again. Consistency makes the raindrops to create holes in the rock. Whatever is difficult can be done easily with regular attendance, attention and action.”

Israelmore Ayivor, ‘The Great Hand Book Of Quotes’.

Tracking weight in Fitbit every Monday and daily logging in MFP Food Dairy I use Fitbit for logging weight because it is connected to my scale and I like other features such as my sleep score…but for some reason it is easier to record my food intake with My Fitness Pal

Goal of 1365 calories 80% of the time…I want to be mindful without being obsessive…more fruits and vegetables…less sugar and refined carbs…I feel so much better when I eat this way…

Walking 5x a week…gym twice a week…for me that’s achievable…my goal steps per day is minimum 5,000 to 10,000…

I commit to being accountable for the 146 days…and will review at that point what my long term goals will be…so for the next 146 days I will post daily in this blog…what I ate before and my exercise log…and how I am sputtering along

…And here we go

Much love and laughter for your day…sprinkled with magic

Giddy Up…

WILLPOWER doesn’t keep a rider on the horse…at least not on this horse I’m currently riding..

Willpower does NOT work…A controversial statement for some people…yet an interesting concept…

As determined and stubborn as I am… there is a reason that I keep tripping up…yes, I didn’t achieve my goal of staying on track with my program…using that mulish streak I have kept searching for the key…

Praying…reading…praying…searching…digging…I have always felt that there is an answer to our questions if we are persistent in our seeking…”Seek and ye shall find”…showing life that we are not being swayed…

 “When it is obvious that the goals cannot be reached, don’t adjust the goals, adjust the action steps.” – Confucius

Shedding a Little Light

The last two weeks have revealed two sources that “spoke” to me…one was in an audiobook and the other in an Instagram account…

Finding out that willpower is a finite resource that becomes exhausted with use explains the reason most of us don’t make it past the second week of resolve to eradicate any addiction that all human creatures struggle with…whether it be  being addicted to social media, current belief systems, personal comfort zones, and our excuses…behaviors that may contradict our goals.

So why would we even need “willpower” if our goals were… mountain top… flag planting …and life changing

In reading Alan Carr’s book Lose Weight Now…it echoed the statement that losing weight and keeping it off is not about “willpower”…it is more about changing the mentality (belief systems) …he says that it is 99% the mental beliefs that we hold…this from a man who chain smoker for 30+ years…smoking over a 100 cigarettes a day to 0 without any side effects

The nugget of wisdom that hit me in the middle of my forehead (after reading two of his books) was that we have a belief system that I hold tightly too…that I get some benefit from the very thing that is destroying my life…quite literally…statistically taking 3 years of precious life…and increasing life debilitating diseases such as diabetes, cancer, etc….

So why is that knowledge not impetus enough…so why cannot I not resist that one chip or candy that becomes a whole bag…why do I feel that I can’t “give up” the immediate short lived insulin rush of pleasure…

“You want to lose weight because it’s making you miserable, but you’re afraid that life will be miserable if you do.”

Alan Carr’s Easy Way for Women to Lose Weight

hmmmm…the thought of not having another chip or piece of chocolate does feel like the ultimate sacrifice…giving up my friend, comforter, therapist and everyone and everything in between…

“Why is the human species the only species on the planet that suffers with weight problems…”

The one particular “ah ha” moment was when I was listening to the book and he speaks about how we think beef is an optimum protein source and yet in a different country…a cow is considered sacred and dog is the protein of choice…does make one lose their appetite…and notice how it’s (impersonal) beef ..not the (personal) cow…but any how…

It’s changing my mindset that I’m not giving up anything…but feeling bad about myself…tired…unhealthy…does this mean that all is going to be perfect smooth sailing from here…probably not…the “human” factor is still there…but I feel so much freer…a door has opened and there is light sneaking through the cracks …a new surge of ability to conquer…to change

I still have to do the work toward my goal of feeling and being healthy…can’t give a definite number…I don’t want to kneel again to shrine of American beauty numbers…(130 pounds is where I was at 20)…a healthy weight…but at 66 it is now about being my healthiest…

My Precious Baby Girl💞

Second lesson relearned…going back to what did work for me. When I first arrived in my Shangri La here in South Africa…I was 50 pounds more blessed than I am today…

Losing 50 pounds…well…at least halfway there…I get so absolutely discouraged about the journey…when I think about it, I cry…it is such an emotional issue and I try not to let it affect my joy and happiness…but that’s not the truth…every day it feels like a failure…ok…pity party over…so much gratefulness for a healthy body…even if it is fluffier than I want (for the moment)..

I lost fifty pounds by tracking…eating low carb (none of the “white stuff”…and walking as close to 10,000 steps per day…which brings me to my second boost of encouragement this week…an Instagram account of a woman who lost almost 200 pounds by doing simple changes consistently… three things…Being calorie deficient every day…tracking food intake…and walking an hour every day…

I can do that!!!!…worked for me the first 50… July 17, 2021 I was at 199.5 (OMG…Onederland)…so why did I stop the program?

Good question to ask myself…I was tired…scary Covid was in full swing…and in September, my love was diagnosed with colon cancer…handling it alone in a foreign country (looking back on it…I did awesome by not gaining it all back) …

And the mental shift of not thinking that sugar and refined carbs were my cozy friends had not happened yet…

It’s been one hell of a ride the last year…fallen off quite a few times…but the road is hopefully a little smoother for a time and I can stay in the saddle and giddy up!!!

Much laughter, happiness and magic in your day❣ Lots of love❣

Thanks always for your letting me share….catch up later….Y’all come back now, hear?

Starting the Climb…

This is wedding week…a wonderful happy occasion with a roller coaster of emotions for me…in South African…not able to have my family and friends to celebrate with…yet yesterday I received wonderful news that my son was flying halfway around the world…more than a 36-hour trip for him…to be with me and give me away…my heart just melted into a bubble of tenderness…

I am incredibly grateful for Mr. P’s beautiful family here that took me in with open arms and hearts…the wedding is being held at his sister’s house…the most gracious host and hostess…an intimate beautiful and charming summer midmorning wedding…all the beauty that I always wanted is coming true…the wildflower bouquet…the cake that I had always dreamed of…of course, it’s chocolate with chocolate ganache for Mr. P’s tastebud approval…

I had emphatically stated for many years that I would never, ever get married again…every relationship in the past had failed horribly…no matter how hard I tried they ended leaving painful wounds that took years to heal…that was my paradigm…all I have experienced…so why in the world would I sign up for that again…but here I am… scared and happy to believe that this is the right one …at the right time…my handsome knight that kissed me awake to a new world of hope and possibilities…

I am richly blessed with a man who has persevered and loved me despite it all…all the wounds and scars I carry…Arriving two and a half years ago not expecting to get married…🤔possibly a brief interlude in time to enjoy this incredible friendship that we had found despite and probably because of the great distance between us (another story😃)…

During that time we have come through more highs and lows than some couple’s experiences in a lifetime…covid…cancer…my immersion into a new culture…divorce…retirement…and I won’t bore you with the day-to-day choppy struggles that we all sail through…and I’m still here…more in love than I have ever been in my life…and on Sunday I am making THE commitment…no matter what happens I will never regret one moment…

Enough of the warm kissy sappy syrupy dribble of sweet emotions… I am still more comfortable showing the hard shell on the outside…defenses that hide the gooey, emotional, scaredy mess that I really am..

I feel like I am starting a new adventure…(in my marriage) and my goal of health, energy, and vitality…my myriad adventures both in the natural and spiritual arenas have been numerous from living in Thailand and Alaska…and places in between…but this expedition is my personal Mount Everest…it will take a huge amount of determination and dedication to complete this formidable journey to its end…

Like the climb to Mount Everest…I have been acclimatizing myself for many years…I’ve failed numerous times on this endeavor before…even reached the peak of goal weight…I hadn’t lost the weight for myself…only to compete for my ex’s attention and love against the women of his affairs…of course it did not have anything to do with how “thin” I was…so I failed and incurred more inflamed scars to weigh me down…and stuffed my anger, feelings of betrayal and hurt…every traumatic emotion becoming trapped…creating body armor that became useful in my life…

Your unhealthy habits were just survival mechanisms that you held onto to protect yourself. You aren’t trying to be self-destructive! Your brain is just telling you that danger is imminent, so you prepare accordingly. But you just need to slowly build new, healthy habits because you aren’t in danger anymore.

Heading for First Camp

Let’s try and start unraveling the tangled mess from the beginning…

I look at these photos of when I was 2 years old, and I see innocent happiness and an unbounded child’s joy…where did she go…this sweet child…will I ever find her again…

I sit here…feeling the pain start to wrack my spirit…I am in a safe and loving environment, and I am OK…Really…this is apparently going to be part of the exploration… I didn’t want to go through this process…I really didn’t…I held the belief that if ever I opened the faucet ever so slightly…that it wouldn’t just drip out a drop at a time…but gush out so rapidly that I would drown in excruciating agony…

I am loved. | Happy Wives Club

AND

110 Love Quotes

Preparation this week is being healthy self-care of exercising and keeping a food journal…slowly and surely…my friend and support MP and I call it turtling🐢🐢🐢…